The glossary of Evany
Bring me the black rose from the top of mount impossible. Used to describe any situation where you’re set up to fail. Usage: Designer says, “In usability people were really confused about this whole interaction. Can you change the button text to explain what happens when they tap, why they should want to, and also what the whole app is for?” Evany says, “You mean you want me to bring you the black rose from the top of mount impossible? Sure, no problem. Just change it to ‘boobies and kittens.’”
Cat bites baby. Any catastrophic event that gives you permission to do exactly what you wanted to do in the first place. Historical context: When my kid was first born, the cat celebrated by repeatedly peeing in all the heating vents throughout the house and also meowing incessantly whenever the baby slept — two horrible, horrible habits that were causing the whole household to slowly unravel, but which weren’t quite bad enough to qualify as a reason for giving the cat away. But then! The cat bit the baby on the face (ON THE FACE), and all bets were off. Usage: “I dropped my iPhone 5 in a hot pot of bolognese, but now it means I can get the 6…total cat bites baby!”
Christmas comes early. A compliment typically reserved for super sexy outfits. Usage: {EYING SOMEONE IN AN EYE-POPPING OUTFIT} “Whoa! Your rack looks so amazing in that spangly tube, it’s like Christmas came early this year!”
Dear diary. A thrilled response to an unexpected compliment from a reliable source. Usage: My force of fashion friend Larkin says, “Those pants you’re wearing are perfection.” Evany says, “Ohmygod DEAR DIARY!!!!!!!”
Flea in a jar. Rooted in the science-tested phenomenon where if a bunch of jumping fleas in a jar hit their head on the lid enough times, they eventually stop jumping even after the lid is removed. Used to describe those times when an individual or group has been discouraged so thoroughly for so long, they lose the ability to try. Usage: “My team got asked to bring the black rose from the top of mount impossible so many times, they got flea-jarred.”
Jukebox. That coinslot of cleavage that peeks out the top of a provocatively buttressed top. Alternately: Can also be applied to the flash of asscrack that appears when your pants migrate a little too south. Usage: {EYEING THE TOPS OF SOMEONE’S AIR-COOLED SAINT PAULI GIRLS} “How many songs does that jukebox play?” Also sometimes lovingly referred to as the “credit card swiper.” Usage: “Does that credit card swiper take all major credit cards, or just Discovery?”
Meowmeowmeow. Used as a stand-in for “et cetera” or lorem ipsum. Usage: “It’s just another ones of those ‘we’re excited to announce’ meowmeowmeow PR announcements.”
Mustard water. Inspired by the depressing fluid that squirts out and sogs your bun with the first squeeze of the mustard bottle, “mustard water” refers to the bad puns, tired ideas and other half thoughts that come up when you first start writing something, and which need to get cleared out before you can really get to the good stuff. Usage: “Please excuse all the mustard water you’ll find in this very rough rough draft.”
Pow. The ultimate compliment. Usage: “Pow.”
Wasted a wish. Compliment typically reserved for delicious food, great writing or other unexpectedly good news. Usage: Evany to her friend Kari, “Oh man that thing you wrote about our wedding was so lovely, I felt like I’d wasted a wish just reading it.”
Yay! Panaceatic term used to celebrate anything and everything from small victories (“Yay! I remembered to brush my teeth today!”) to life’s biggest moments, like how when we got married, we had our baker frost “yay yay yay yay yay yay” in lovely, teensy script around the edge of each layer—yay!
