Everybody’s Wrong and your Onion Pi Smells

Just to get this out of the way — I’m wrong! Having said that, I’ve got an excuse — I’m stupid.

But, and I have a feeling this might be breaking news for some — you’re wrong too! Yes you, intelligent person with the hand raised. And you, journalist in the back. Plus you, valedictorian in the corner. Not to mention you, prophet wearing the camouflage onesie hiding amidst the foliage. Also — nice onesie! Super chic.

And now I shall attempt to arrive at a point. I’ve seen a lot of folks saying a whole lot of stuff these days. Like, mammoth amounts of stuff. Pro-this, anti-that, love you, hate them, grab down, pill up… and so on and so forth into eternitia (admission: I love inventing my own vocabudom).

For real though — who knew everyone was so… cerebral? And, like, verbal? Though I’m not entirely sure if social media output counts as verbal contribution. Is sound a pre-requisite for verbage? Just incase, I’ll refer to it as wordage — if for no other reason than an effort to cut my losses.

I get it — everyone’s got an opinion. If you’ve got a functioning brain, you’ve got no choice but to interpret information as you see it and express yourself accordingly. But, see, here’s the thing… and this may ruffle some feathers — your opinions are wrong! And through the power of unverified formulaic mindsoup, I’ll prove it to you.

What exactly is an opinion? Extracting and rearranging letters from the world itself (one of many tangential methods of investigation), an opinion amounts to nothing more than an “onion pi.” And as a wise ogre once said, onions have layers. “So do cakes!” replied an enthusiastic donkey. But that’s irrelevant. Let’s apply this to an example, referring to this weekend’s Women’s March:

Person 1: You shouldn’t protest! You’re wrong — and whiny!

Person 2: You should protest! You’re wrong — and racist!

Person 3: You should compromise! You’re both wrong — and combative!

Person 4: *seizes*

Now here’s the litmus test — who is wrong? Get your score cards ready. If you picked Person 1 or Person 2 — ding ding… you’re right! If you picked Person 3 — bam bam… you’re also right! And if you picked Person 4 — ring ring… please call for immediate medical assistance. *prays 4 u*

Anyhow, are you seeing it now? Everyone exercising their onion pi right to tell one another how wrong they are? Despite the many truths that may or may not lie therein somewhere across the spectrum of thought?

And don’t even get my started on those “tell it like it is” people. Yes you, bloggers. Yes you, Facebook enthusiasts. And yes you, most if not all real housewives of Bravotown. Declaring yourself “the” person who “tells it like it is” — hot take… you’re wrong! You don’t tell it like it is — you tell it the way YOU think it is! You’re merely offering us your slice of the onion pi — and, guess what, not errybody be likin yo smelly ass onions!

Maybe I mis-titled this article. Perhaps it should have been called “Everybody’s Right and You’re The Best”! But people don’t respond to nice stuff anymore. It’s the age of the massacre. The dawn of the deadbeat. The era of erosion. (Ps. I’m suddenly realizing this could have been the logline for 1997’s “Dante’s Peak” — luv Pierce Brosnan!)

Just look at any comment section on the internet — they’re the colloquial equivalent of guerilla warfare and the nuclear bombs are fired off faster than you can click logout. It’s one of the reasons my New Year’s resolution was to wear a trench coat at all times — the others being extreme mistrust of my apartment’s plumbing, generalized paranoia, and greed — in that order. Oh, and fashion — duh.

But I digress. In summation: at one point or another, everyone needs to be told that they are wrong. Because, for real for real, to somebody else — they are! And, here’s the clincher… they’re both right! Now read that sentence backwards, take a dramamine, and suck on that, logic. *crosses eyes, blacks out*