I love traveling back in time, that is only on the odd occasion when I do allow myself to scrummage through my Google Drive. While this deep dive almost always coincides with being lost in the present, it reveals more and more about who I was and who I am becoming. It’s easy to see now how the past influences the future. Those experiences are the reasons why somewhere down the line I won’t turn left, instead I’ll choose right, or perhaps I will decide it is just another dead end and turn back.
~ To all the stories that never made it off the page, were left unwritten, incoherent even or perfectly undone.
Life
- I learned that everyone can be pushed to compromise their morals. I used to think it was just a sign of weakness. I think it’s the absence of clarity. We are an extension of our actions. When we can’t discern that self-perception and our actions intersect, we become vulnerable to all sorts of dilemmas.
- It was just one plastic sleeve after another enclosing dated achievements, that were no longer truly in my possession. All sealed tightly in a vacuum of my anxiety and my fear of the unknown.
- I guess I realised that adulthood is just a series of coping mechanisms.
- This idea that any decision I could make would result in being broken, or leaving me intact is not one I practise anymore. I was never whole to begin with.
- My capacity to fully embrace and enjoy a celebratory milestone, usually gets overshadowed by my perpetually restless mind.
Love
- I just settled on the conclusion that I was a fantasy — someone close enough to her that was real, but out of reach.
- There’s probably only one person that I kept going back to, only because he was okay with the fact that I kept leaving.
- I was always trying to rush her into getting over me. Thinking that love was like a tank of petrol, that over time I could run dry, hoping she would stop to refuel with something richer — premium?
- The only man who would give me his last 20, with a smile on his face was my father. But then again, I never asked another man.
- I’ve set up the parameters for a hostile environment. I have every intention to scare him away. This ensures there is no scenario where a man looks at me, and thinks he’s the reason I can’t pull myself together.
- I liked that there was parts of them etched in him, that he couldn’t seem to rid himself of. It meant that everything he had done and everything he had touched was intentional — it was out of love. How can you hate love?
- He once said our story was like a movie.
- He eventually got his goodbye. The end mimics the start. Our epilogue — one with the silence, the distance and the truth all at once.
- At the time, I was optimistic. Maybe he wasn’t going to be just another boy. Another capsule of useless information, that I would have to bury along with the rest.
- I used to think that he prioritised effort over striving for perfection. Now, I think he believes that the world overlooks men like him — he’s not the type that’s owed perfection.
- Why can’t a perfect kiss be just that — an experience shared between two people, without being completely enamoured by one another?
- We didn’t share the same values or ideals. Not yet at least. I wasn’t going to wait for him to catch up and then resent him when he did.
- In a perfect world, I would crave and become so painfully familiar with just one.
Home
- I held onto my voice, my attitude, my humour, everything else not so much. There was something so important about sounding exactly like I had before I left. I shouldn’t be someone they needed to translate.
- Will my sister still want to share our childhood spaces or has she adorned it with adult trimmings? Has she removed every sign of me?
- It only took 20 minutes to get home. I appreciated the fact that for the next 2 weeks; every destination would be a mere 15–20 minute car ride away.
- My terrible artwork was never fridge worthy. Nothing was, but I’ll assume that’s because our fridge wasn’t magnetic. Truthfully, my parents weren’t the sugar-coating types. They wanted the best for their children. So, we became independent, hardworking and seethingly realistic individuals.
- Hours would go by. We would talk about everything from our childhood memories to relationships to absolute nonsense, to nothing — just muffled breathing and silence.
You still there?
Yeah I am. I’m just listening to you.
Who said what, was interchangeable.
Bits & Bobs
- The occasional word vomit would get the best of me. Although, I was hoping he would reek of the smell too.
- Have you ever timed your life so perfectly that every horrible feeling was avoided? I swear I had perfected it up until the last five years.
