Perhaps I’m not meant to be a mother… my reproductive system malfunctioning may be a blessing in a cruel, painful disguise. After all, my back pain is great enough that it renders me incapacitated more often than not… perhaps my barrenness is sparing the children that may have been from having a mother that can’t play with them or interact with them like other, more physically fit mothers do. Perhaps this is a punishment for too many years of living wrongly… or for not having more self control… maybe it’s because I’m fat and my body just can’t handle growing a little person… Or maybe it’s just the fact that I’m nearly 30, obese, and have run out of time to have children… Whatever the reason, it’s killing me slowly.
I see my friends and family members… girls I once babysat… even other women as large as or larger than I am having beautiful, healthy babies… and yet here I am, barren. Childless. Unable to give my husband, or myself, the joy of having babies…
I feel inept… useless… defective, even… but what’s to do? House to clean… books to write… meals to cook for my hard-working husband… No time to grieve for defective ovaries, is there?

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