Two weeks in, I’m already starting to feel the drain.

I’m just wondering how much of this is just a matter of adaptation fatigue, and how much of it is actual fatigue.

As Pei had aptly pointed out this morning, I wasn’t only adapting to two major changes in my life, but in fact it was actually three: PhD courses, the new lab, and national training squad (NTS).

I still haven’t yet settled into the rhythm of running around the island, running to two, sometimes three venues in a day. For example, on Mondays, I’ll be in the office in the morning, then to Uni for Seminar classes, then to the gym for NTS training session.

Why is commuting such an energy drain? Perhaps the moving scenery is over-stimulation for my brain. And perhaps that also explains my constant craving for sugar.

Today, I walked into the office, already feeling defeated and dreading the week to come. My thoughts drifted to the intervals session tomorrow morning, and the dread started to flow like an open dam door.

It’s as if my body is resisting the training. Pain used to tell me that I’m getting better. But now it’s telling me that I suck, and with each passing day, that suck pit just gets deeper and deeper.

I don’t like the way that I’m feeling right now. And I wish that I didn’t feel this way. What I’m really hoping for, is for the phoenix to rise out of the ashes. Reborn, a new lease of life, a new perspective.

I started on the series of papers on Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS). It’s confusing. The same feelings I felt in my second year of Uni came rushing back. I felt stupid. I questioned if I had a learning disability because I couldn’t understand the material. Only this time, I knew I didn't, because I already got myself tested, and the results were negative.

Remembering the words of the wise one, that I would do well finding old paths that were tread on before by those that had gone before, and I would usually see the light.

I have to give myself a little bit more time. I have to be a more patient. And with a little prayer, and a little luck, perhaps I’ll find the paths of the forefathers.

— — —

Pei, you’ve encouraged me to keep fighting, even though I got lapped already, you told me to keep going till the race finished. And thanks to you and your words, I can at least say that I gave it my best till the end.

I have to keep reminding myself that I’ve only started this bike-riding thing for 1 year and 8 months, and only started training properly for a year. And already, racing, brushing shoulders with the best guys in Singapore. They say that experience counts for everything.

I’ll take away this: I tried my best and gave it my all. I know the gap that I need to close. Whether or not I can close this gap in the time frame allocated to me remains to be seen. But I’ll keep fighting. I’ll keep closing the gap. I’ll keep going. Until I can go no more.

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