Like a Sister (episode 6)

I had the next two days to pack, and my phone was my anchor. It slowed me down every time it went off. I knew I had to call home and tell my family that I was leaving California, but it also meant I would have to tell them what had happened to me. My sister had gone through something similar in high school. Watching my sister deal with it was very difficult for all of us. In some ways she was never the same and in other ways neither were we. I wasn’t scared to tell my family, but I was scared for anyone to find out, because I have seen first hand how it’s usually the victim that gets the most backlash.
My girl was planning on going to Vegas that day and I was supposed to be getting ready, but this was all weighing on me and I knew I needed to tell my sister. I excused myself from the power couple and stepped out of the dorms. The reception was spotty so I had to use wifi and FaceTime my sister. My phone connected and on the other side of the screen both of my sisters sat while I told them what happened. It was the first time I felt I was truly admitting to myself that I was in fact raped.I was sobbing unable to hold my phone up and my sisters stared up at the California sky with me.
“Where was your soulmate during all of this?”
Now some may argue that my best friend is not responsible for my safety, and they would be right she wasn’t, but would I have been there for her right after she called me? Yes. Would I have beat the shit out of any man who even looked at her the wrong way? Absolutely. Sadly I came second when it came to boys. Now I wasn’t innocent we were both just as boy crazy as the other, but she always came first in my book and I had to accept that it wasn’t always the same for her. Still I defended her when my sister asked. Now my sister wasn’t mad that my best friend didn’t kill the bastard, but she did know that I held this girl up on a pedestal when she never deserved to be held that high.
My bestie came outside, and could overhear my sister expressing that she felt the real reason we were leaving was because my girl wanted to run away with a boy, not because I was raped. My sister was right, she didn’t really care about the fact that I was raped, but we will get to that later.
“What the hell Taylor!”
My bestie was close to tears, and I knew it was because she heard my sister.
“I will call you guys back.”
I hung up the phone and ask my friend what was wrong. She began to cry while explaining to me that this trip is about us not boys. That if I want to stay we will, she just figured that I would want to leave since the guy that raped me was on campus.
That was the first time she used my rape against me. She would probably say something like,
“That’s not true I told her we could stay, it was never about me this was all for the both of us. This move was for the both of us.”
I believed she loved me. We had become so codependent on each other the last couple years that there wasn’t a doubt in my mind that I was important to her, but she proved time and time again she could never love anyone more than herself. Self love is important, but when you truly love someone there pain is your pain. It just didn’t work like that with her.
I consoled her, and expressed to her my fears of not having a job when we left, but she told us that he found us one, and we would be fine. I needed to trust her, so I did.
Next on the list was to call my mom. The power couple sat with me while I told my mom what happened. My girl and her man cried with my mom and I while she told the story of my childhood, and explained to me why this was the time to say something. She was right. I was in foster care for 13 years, and all of the homes I was in were bad. I was locked in a bedroom for 3 years when I was a child, and although I can’t remember, it’s been told to me that I was sexually assaulted while I lived there. They were never charged with anything and now live happily ever after in North Carolina. Good for them. Like I said, my mom was right this was the time for me to say something, and to finally let myself have justice for once, but something was stopping me, and I couldn’t help it. The moment I said something was the moment I was trapped in a rape bubble. If I went to court and he was never convicted I personally think it would have made me feel worse than choosing for myself to just walk away. I’m sure you are thinking that I should have said something because now he could do it to someone else, but I was being selfish at the time. I didn’t want to deal with it any longer. So I didn’t.
I got off the phone and decided a nap was very much needed. I let them go to Vegas without me. Tomorrow was going to be a long day.
