Letting Go 2017
Goodbye, 2017. You brought me a wonderful, albeit sad story. Just remember that as we say farewell, it doesn’t mean we won’t talk again someday. Just maybe it’s too soon right now.
So I thought it polite to at least give this little bit of closure I have to offer before that period of night. Whatever this relationship was- was unexpected. I am glad I took the time to open my heart. There were details from other years I have lived that made sense when we were together… But I must confess, from the beginning I knew that this just was not made to last.
I was with you because you picked me. I was attracted to that- as narcissistic as it may sound. And in so many ways, you’re a catch! So even though I knew in my heart this journey would end, I played through.
As I approach my 35th birthday, I have finally learned to go straight through my lessons rather than try to go around or find a shortcut… I mean, it’s just a part of the process. I already learned to play through during years of feeling this way, asking the heavens if this was it? Was this all there was to feel with a partner? I did not know then. So I stayed when I wanted to leave, and I let you win when we disagreed. I recognized it, from my lessons… It was a mistake.
More than once I learned holding on to a disappointing relationship would make me unavailable when the right person showed up.
Do I have someone in mind? No, I’m designing a coloring book, learning to play guitar to demonstrate its success, and singing and song-writing to recover the magical balance I feel when I am breathing music.
Meanwhile I have a small group of interested individuals who are trying to collaborate on other music coloring book projects. Ideas that only receive life if I pour my heart and soul into investing in friendships with very talented individuals who like the concept- and the fact that they can focus on their area of expertise while I connect-the-dots for is. Artists, business people; questions, answers; creations, products.
Again, meanwhile all I want is to play and sing.
The idea is that I have to share the whole story… and unfortunately, you were written out of the script.
Again, it isn’t the first time I feel like fate has played this trick on me. I am sorry. But when I can’t Blog transparently, I know there is an expiration date. Secrets slowly eat my insides-out.
So that’s why you need to know that the reason I made this decision is not because of anything you did or didn’t do. You are an amazing individual, and I made an effort to savor everything we shared. I just knew there was an expiration date.
Your grandmother knew. I could tell she knew… and I said it to you a million times when I was expressing something of substance to me that was gibberish to you. “No? Maybe that’s a sign?”
I realize words have their limitations, but it wasn’t the words… it was what should have been between us to make us care, make us listen, make us see ourselves in each other’s eyes.
I saw you. I saw me. I saw you looking at me without seeing me… I saw you looking for yourself, everywhere.
…My brothers don’t like the way I analyze everyone. But I think it is exactly what attracted you to me, the talking looking glass.
Well, I have long since accepted my eccentricity and mostly restrict it to blogging. The written word only hurts those who choose to read it that way.
Besides, I know exactly what I promised you was permissible content.
So, anyway, only a few precious minutes left… time to say goodbye.
I know you are going to be awesome in 2018, and I wish you all the luck and good things you could want!