Living With Anxiety

It’s 3am. Once again, I’m not asleep despite the fact I’ve got an early start the next day. Not even my recently discovered favoured method of going to sleep- listening to The Shipping Forecast- is helping. Every time one episode finishes on my Amazon Echo, I blithely mutter “Alexa, next” in the hope the next one will work.
My mind is wired with a thousand thoughts. I’ve finished a totemic ten-year journey that’s taken me from failing Sixth Form to getting a master’s degree. I’m awaiting the day where I “wear the hat” and receive the prize earned from a year of chaotic study. Yet in my mind, I’m still not good enough. I’ve no idea what on earth to do next. I’ve been so used to a routine of studying to get to here that post university life is like a blinding light.
I’ve wanted to write about this subject for a while; but as is so often the case, my folder titled “articles” contains a series of writings about subjects that half way through I’ve lost interest in and never finished. Everything from why people criticising Lauren Mayberry from Chvrches for the clothes she wears on stage are patriarchal fabric Nazis to something about the Beveridge Report of 1942.
Anyway- here we are. It’s Halloween and I’ve seen a tweet that’s got me thinking about this subject once again. Time to finally achieve something in a day where I’ve just sat at the computer and watched the hours go by.
Alone With Everybody
It’s certainly true that one of the few benefits of Social Media is that for some, it’s made us more aware of the things around us. I say that with caution because for every person who has become aware about the issue of mental health, there’s five people who believe that Diane Abbott eats the heads off of Cornish Rex Cats. There’s probably a joke about Jacob Rees-Mogg in there somewhere.
But the simple truth is there’s one thing being aware of something, it’s another thing understanding it. To some, anxiety is something where people just worry a bit. I’m never sure if they think anxiety is worrying about the fact that you’re almost out of bog roll at 5pm on a Sunday.
It’s not. If only it was that simple. No one can possibly know the thoughts that circle in my head like the seagull that’s seen a pasty- waiting, waiting before diving in for the attack. Anxiety to me is living life in a total blur- knowing what I want to do, what I need to do but completely paralysed by fear, the feeling of not being good enough, not able to do it. It’s not just life decisions. It’s the simplest things. I’ve been putting off ordering a new office chair for two days. I haven’t done the house work. I just sit at my computer, or on the sofa, not really doing a lot. Often watching the news, which in the current political climate probably doesn’t help. I’m completely distracted- but when people ask me why, I cannot explain- for in the moment the thoughts make perfect sense but when I come to explain, I am devoid of words. I want to do all these things, but I struggle to execute the lofty ideas inside. It even goes down to smaller details of carefully executing when I go out or what shifts I do at work because I might not get a parking space on my street when I get back.
I guess it fits the stereotypes. I’m not especially good socially- but then that’s always been a thing. My teenage years, where one develops were spent often hiding from those who sought to belittle me. When I found the courage to say that I liked someone, the malicious got hold of it and mocked me to the point where even all these years later, I have no confidence in that regard. I was bullied a lot as a kid- I don’t say that to garner sympathy or to excuse things- but it’s a fact and it happened. I find it hard to see my true worth as others sometimes say, because it’s not something I have been able to see.
I often describe my life as “Alone with Everybody”. Not only is the title of an early 2000s Richard Ashcroft album I’ve always liked, but I use it as a metaphor to how I feel. Yes, I have friends, I have family and people I care about, but despite the “everybody”, I often still feel completely alone. I feel as if I stopped making the calls, making the effort, my phone would fall silent. From time to time, I shut down my main social media as when I’m not feeling great, I find it overwhelming. I feel especially at the moment that people leave my life as quickly as they come into it- and I cannot understand why. I’m tired.
I’m very good at appearing confident to the public eye. I’ve worked in public facing jobs- supermarkets, care work- and I’d like to think on a good day, I’m quite good at it. Yet behind the smile, there’s often terror. My greatest weakness is often a lack of awareness- I feel as if I am perceived differently to how I see myself.
The Never Ending Circle
Most of that last paragraph and this is written five days after I started. Ironically, after saying this would be the time that I’d write it in one go, I stopped. At the moment I literally cannot focus on any one particular thing. I’ve been quite fragile for a few days now- I want nothing more and would give what little I have for it all to go away. Problem is, I don’t know how. It feels like a never-ending circle- occasionally it goes, and I feel great for a few days when presented with a new distraction or a milestone.
But when that subsides, it comes back. The one thing I’ve learnt is the greatest enemy I’ll ever face is not the people who have caused me harm in years gone by or even recently. The greatest enemy I have is my own mind. Most of the time when I pay a visit to the Doctors, a different tablet is suggested. I’ve done all that a number of times. Or, to quote my last visit, I replied with “I’ve tried all of these. But tablets can’t change the way I feel about myself and things in my life”.
Being a Doctor Who fan, I often was curious to why people would turn to Cybermen and saw no emotions as the ultimate upgrade. At the moment, it feels logical.