Vegetable Cruelty (Funny Informative Speech)

Hi. Today I will be telling you about vegetable cruelty.

All right, first things first. Don’t laugh! If you think this topic is funny… Well, no, cause this is a dead serious topic. Not kidding you. (Say in a sarcastic tone.)

Have you ever wondered if plants feel pain? Have you ever heard about brocolli abuse? Or shy tomatoes? Or trolling potatoes? No? Then let’s get started.

Before we move on to the interesting stuff, I ought to give you a explanation-maybe not exactly scientific-on why plants feel pain. One reason is that humans think they are intelligent and superior to all other beings, but really they are just being stupid and ignorant. We don’t like to admit we are wrong, so instead we just don’t try to prove ourselves wrong. If you think about it… can a living thing not fell pain? Anyways, us humans are selfish, idiotic, stupid, faithless, lying, dumb, (play sound Beep!ing Beep!s on recorder.)Oh, I think I’m getting a bit too carried away here… it’s starting to sound more like a “Insult My Race” speech. Fine, I admit it, us humans maybe aren’t all that bad, even though we still are quite bad. So with my deepest regrets, I present to you… (play drumroll sound) the scientific evidence. Insulting myself was actually getting quite fun.

I can’t take forever on this, so I have to simplify this a bit. Plants do scream.. but their equivelent to cries of pain is releasing gasses. these gasses vibrate at different wave lengths, creating different sounds. The gas waves’ ratio is equal to human screams, shouts, and wails, in a much higher frequency. Using a laser-powered microphone, researchers from the Institute for Applied Physics at the University of Bonn in Germany were able to pick up the sound waves from the plant gasses. Though too high-pitched to be audible to human ears, the laser mics revealed that flowers wail when their leaves are cut, and cucumbers scream when they are sick.

There is lots of other scientific evidence that plants can hear themselves being eaten by bugs, and also scintific evidence that plants can feel pain without brains. But that’s too much stuff to put into one speech.

So getting on to the actual topic… vegetable cruelty. To help you understnad vegetable cruelty better, I think I out to give you a scenario to think about, since you probably can’t get a grasp of how you can be cruel to vegitables. The first vegetarians started from the belief ofanimal cruelty, so plant cruelty is basically the same thing… here is a letter written by Lily on vegetablecruelty.com. Yes, that actually is a real website. Dear Carnivores,

My sister is a vegetarian. I have no idea what to do. She’s always talking about how my carnivorous life style is animal cruelty, but I hunt all my own meat! Everyday I go out to the vast wilderness and battle to the death for my animal based sustenance. She is such a hypocrite by eating and killing sentient life forms that have no ability to fight back! I hope one day I can show her that the real crime that is being committed is against Vegetables/Fruits and Vegetable/Fruit Cruelty is a tragedy.

and the owner of the website asnwered her with this:

Lily, you know what they say about the criminally insane, right? They simply have no awareness of the fact that their behaviors are wrong and harm others. In the case of your sister, she appears to be criminally insane towards her fruit and vegetable victims. She probably doesn’t even see them as victims!

So as you can see, valentine’s day is mass murder, as around 24 million roses are “grown” all around the world. Ha! More like a “born to feel pain and get slaughtered” ritual. February 14th is like friday the 13th to roses!

And watermelon is another good example of plant cruelty… can you believe they actually make Youtube videos teaching you how to sking a watermelon and polish the inside so that you can impress people? It’s just the most heinious, outrageous, atrocious, scandalous, flagrant, hateful, hideous, horrendous, infamous, nefarious, odius, outrageous, revolting, scandalous, shocking, unspeakable, vicious, accursed, awful, beastly, crying, evil, frightful, villanious, and grave abuse you can ever do to a living thing! Sorry, got a bit carried away again with the insults.

Well, you get the idea… so try to be kinder to our fruit and veggie friends!