How Vipassana meditation changed my life forever & why I sit for 2 hours every day, no matter what
At the darkest moment of my 33 years of living, after 4,5 years of trying to make a relationship work and a really messed up marriage situation added to a couple of failed businesses, a pile of dead dreams, over £20k spent in personal development and healing with no results and a very debilitating health condition (CVS) with no cure, I was sat in my friend’s car moving some of the last bits of my stuff out of my husband’s place, literally wondering how I was still holding it together…

I had moved out about 6 months ago and was staying at my friend’s place for the last few, not being able to let go of my dysfuctional marriage and relentlessly trying to force it to work even though it had gotten way too messed up and toxic.
So as the car was moving and I was just sitting there empty and numb yet really present and calm, my phone rang. The caller showed as ‘Dhamma Dipa’ — the biggest Vipassana centre in the UK where I had previously sat three 10-day courses. I was on the waiting list for the one starting in the evening that day and they had called me in the very last minute.
“Can you come to the centre today?”, they asked.
“Oh, I wish!.. It is way too short notice.”, I replied.
“Can you come tomorrow then?”
“I don’t know if I can but I WILL BE THERE.”, was my reply.
With this phone call I knew it was time for things to turn around. I dropped everything and organized my trip to the centre the next day. When I arrived at the course, with the turning off of my phone I also turned off all intentions to figure things out for the duration of the course and completely surrendered to the practice of Vipassana.
Even though I had sat 3 such courses before and each had had uniquely profound effects on me, I had never surrendered to the technique to such extent which proved to be a complete game changer.
Goenka (our teacher) said: Eat like a cat – I ate like a cat;
Goenka said: Avoid any dsitraction – I never lifted my gaze off my feet unnecesarily for the duration of the course, didn’t even know who was sitting next to me.
Goenka said: Get up at 4am and maintain continuity of the practice – I was up at 3am and meditated in bed until 4am, when I would freshen up with a shower and move to the meditation hall to continue meditating until 9pm every day.
Goenka said: Let your thoughts be and stick to the technique maintaining perfect equaniimity – I didn’t give any importance to any of the many many thoughts that were present all the time and did my best to be equanimous.
I listened very carefully to everything Goenka said and jumped just as high as he’d ask, following ALL the rules as well. For the duration of the course, I spent zero time thinking about my marriage, my business, my health, my self and my life; I entertained none of those thoughts, not on the cushion nor in the breaks, nor late at night in bed.
Instead, I spent every moment focused on the technique and nothing else. Nothing.
Was it easy? Ha ha… not at all.
Was it worth it? Oh my.. You bet.
On day 10 I found that I just knew exactly what to do next – I did not get a complete plan of action for the next 5 years but I could see my next couple of steps very clearly, feeling a level of certainty I’d never felt before and having this profound sense of peace and calm. Then occured to me that in life, just as during these last 9 days, it is not important to be aware of the whole path ahead; it is only necessary and completely enough to see the 2 – 3 steps right in front of me in order to move forward and reach my destination.
And I knew these steps. And I took them. And as I did, the next 2 – 3 steps became known. Then the next…
And so until today, 4 – 5 months later when:
– my mysterious health condition has almost completely shifted [from being sick in bed for an average of 4 to 7 days every month with frequent ambulance assistance to being somewhat sick for about 12 hours last few months, improving every time]
– my relationship with my husband has never been better (although we are separating) [from him being angry at me to us really connecting as friends and him telling me he will always be there to support me as I need to be supported]
– I have fresh new dreams and zest for life [from being devastated for having realised none of my big goals to having new and better visions and seeing them as totally possible to achieve]
– although business is still on hold, I am at complete peace with it, knowing that I am ready to go as soon as this becomes my next step and am excited to be preparing for it [from not knowing how and when to restart my business to knowing exactly what my next steps are]
Meanwhile I’ve been living and serving at Dhamma Sukhakari for the last 2 – 3 months, getting deeper into my practice while helping others do the same. It’s about a lot of hard work and at least 3 – 4 hours of meditation every day – not easy but incredibly rewarding, as you can see above.
Becuase it is not about the ten-day course that I attended but the maintaining of the practice in the day to day life that gives the actual long-lasting effects. Quick fixes simply do not exist when it comes to transforming deep dysfuctional patterns, no matter the temptattion to belive otherwise. (I am working on a detailed presentation about how and why this technique is so powerfully transformational, stay tuned!)
It has become my mission to inspire and encourage those after deep transformstion, to give a try to and hopefully get very serious about the practice of Vipassana as taught by SN Goenka. The courses are free to attend, including food and accomodation, and run entirely on donations.
Vipassana means ‘To see things as they really are, not as they appear to be’, to really see The Truth, the ultimate truth of our reality… which is the most transformative and liberating thing I have come accross to date (after having worked with some of the best healers, coaches and personal development experts over the last several years).
Hence the new identity I have commited to live by: Dhamma Queen. Where Dhamma stands for Truth, The Law Of Nature and Queen stands for Service and Nobility. Yet again, this is everything but an easy commitment to live by. And you know what? There is nothing more important for me in this life…
Be really, really happy!