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There will be no regrets when the worms come,

And they will surely come.

— Third Eye Blind, “I Want You”

- — -

KEVIN CADOGAN: Alright, cool. I think the ladies are really gonna go for this one.

ARION SALAZAR: Especially that last part: “No apology because my urge is genuine / And the mystery of your rhythm is so feminine.”

STEPHAN JENKINS: It’s important that the urge is sincere. I won’t budge on that.

CADOGAN: Right. So what are we thinking for the chorus?

JENKINS: I should probably say, “Yeah you do, you do, you do” like, twenty times. Then I’ll say: “I want you.” That’s the name of the song. …


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Pardon the wait; we don’t get many visitors to the website these days. Most folks head on over to the app, seeing how it’s a utopia. But you are welcome to stay here for as long as you can stomach our lack of basic functionality.

Watch your step now! Most of those links are broken.

Here’s a menu. Yeah, those nav bar buttons like to hop around when you fix your arrow on ’em. Mischievous little devils! They don’t like to be caught. (winks) But if you need something, you might could search for it.

Shoot, is the search bar actin’ up again? Try jigglin’ it. Try reloadin’ it. Alright, now kick it. Hard! Harder! Kick the consonants outta that filthy no-good search bar! (a family of SPIDERS scurries out from under the search bar) Still not firin’ up? Hmph. I guess we’ll have to troubleshoot it. …


Image by Dungeons & Donalds

~Dedicated to Dungeons & Donalds~

Barkskin

Cause Fear

Circle of Death

Contagion

Crown of Madness

Destroy Water

Destructive Wave

Dispel Good

Divine Favor

Enemies Abound

Enervation

Entangle

Erupting Earth

Eyebite

Fabricate

Feeblemind

Forcecage

Glibness

Hallucinatory Terrain

Harm

Hellish Rebuke

Hunger of Christie

Imprisonment

Infernal Calling

Infestation

Inflict Wounds

Invulnerability

Magnificent Mansion

Major Image

Mass Suggestion

Melania’s Hideous Laughter

Mind Blank

Mislead

Modify Memory

Negative Energy Flood

Power Word Pain

Primal Savagery

Psychic Scream

Shapechange

Sickening Radiance

Soul Cage

Staggering Smite

Stinking Cloud

Storm of Vengeance

Summon Greater Demon

Summon Lesser Demons

Time Stop

Vicious Mockery

Vitriolic Sphere

Wish


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Dear Alexandria,

Congratulations on your shocking win over our dear friend Joe Crowley. Although we don’t think your district is representative of the beige-and-cream melting pot that is Middle America, we love your energy and think you are just cute as a button!

That said, we do have some concerns about this platform of yours, the sheer clarity and morality of which gives us the vapors. Remember that to win a general election, one must engage the broadest possible swath of geriatric white people. They/we are easily startled by words like “socialism,” “jobs guarantee,” and “women’s rights.” What about men’s rights? …


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Congratulations on acquiring your first piece of cast-iron cookware, presumably as a wedding gift or in a drunken two a.m. Amazon spree when you were feeling particularly “mature.”

Cast-iron is the Cadillac of cookware, but there are a few eensy weensy guidelines to go over before cementing your status as some sort of flapjack monarch. Don’t worry! These rules are totally logical and easy to follow. Everyone says so.

1. Do not clean your cast-iron cookware.

Normally it’d be disgusting to not scrub the thing you make quiche in, but cast-iron, uh… cleans itself with its own oils! The oil forms a seal in the pan that keeps dirt out, because science. …


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You win, honey. I have read the dozens of adverse event reports you keep texting me, and I hear you. That’s why I’m holding this press conference in our kitchen to announce that I am establishing The Boyfriend’s Commission on Combating the Canine Sleep Disturbance Crisis.

Its mission: “to study the scope and effectiveness of the Boyfriend’s response to the dog sleeping in the bed crisis and make recommendations to the Boyfriend for improving that response.”

I know the formation of a special commission or task force is often a way to pay lip service to a problem without taking any meaningful action. But I have assembled some of the country’s top minds to study this critical issue and I expect that, in a matter of months (two years, tops), they will put forth some tremendous solutions. …


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So you want to be sad in a sexy way? Join the club.

(Sigh.) Here are eight hot tips for cultivating an air of enthralling ennui.

1. Kill (most of) the lights.

It’s counterintuitive, but to nurture brood awareness you have to act like brood awareness is the furthest thing from your mind. Wear black, gray, or brown — anything that implies a hard impermanence. Like United, this is a No Peacock zone.

Firelight is great because it emphasizes cheekbones and romanticizes awkward silences. Dark bars are hard to beat, especially the ones you and your ex used to frequent.

2. Look off into the distance, not down.


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“Exiting Trump officials get tepid response on job market” — The Hill headline

Dear Sir,

I’m writing because I recently left a high-profile job and feel I would be an invaluable asset to your organization. I have worn many hats in my previous roles as a model, communications director, and enabler. (Figurative hats — look at this hair; it’s alive and sentient.) I am symmetrical and discreet, and as a serial people-pleaser, I will believe and do anything you say, no matter how horrid. My taste in men can best be described as a betrayal.

I am adept at crafting and pitching white lies, by which I mean significant lies that benefit white people. Moreover, my eyeliner doubles as redacting fluid, and my cheekbones are sharp enough to shred thousands of incriminating documents. JK! But not really. …


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It’s now painfully clear that you, comedy show attendees, just don’t want to laugh.

I can’t believe you came out tonight so you could stare, stone-faced, at this generation’s Lenny Bruce. Did you stumble into the wrong club? Are they offering half-priced drinks for Stoics? Or are you all rebooting “Make Me Laugh,” the game show where contestants get $1 for every second they go without laughing during a standup set?

It can’t be me: I am an astonishingly funny comic. Yeah, comedians call themselves “comics.” I bet you’ve never even read Splitsider, you philistines.

I’m definitely not projecting my own very public failure onto the people in front of me. These jokes kill with a superior audience, but you are an inferior audience, so they’re bombing. …


“I don’t see anyone out there who’s better than me. Maybe Elon Musk.”

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Image by Katie Jackson
  1. “I’m a very complex person.”

2. “I don’t see anyone out there who’s better than me. Maybe Elon Musk.”

3. “You walk into the party and realize you are the party.”

4. “I feel like Jesus. I do feel chosen.”

5. “I’m intelligent. Some people would say I’m very, very, very intelligent.”

6. “I think the big problem this country has is being politically correct.”

7. “People don’t like to be studied, or bested.”

8. “I have never seen a thin person drinking Diet Coke.”

9. “I think I am actually humble. …

About

Evan Allgood

Writer for Daily Shouts, McSweeney’s, The Millions, Paste

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