IT IS OKAY NOT TO BE OKAY
Let me start by saying it is okay to feel pain. It is okay to feel scared. It is okay to feel uncertain. It is okay to feel grief, yes all of it is natural and normal. Yes, it is impermanent and it will pass. The best gift you can give oneself is to honor your emotional experience by being present for it.
I will share a simple story with you;
Andrew had come of age and was a now well built groomed young man. His arms were large solid covered in a web of veins that run visibly under his skin, his chest screaming at his torso showing off his carefully curved packs as he wore a fitting black t-shirt. His beard had been mathematically shaved and all the corners of his facial hairs well aligned that even with a receding hairline he managed to earn himself a stare from passersby. As I approached him I could not help but break out in a lazy smile at the pleasant surprise. I kept trying to match this man to the boy I had gone to school with in grade five; very tiny with stringy tendons that supported a chiseled faced human being with a pair of horny eyebrows. If it wasn’t for the distinct scar on his forehead and diastema in his teeth, I surely would have passed him by. Reaching for his hand as he held it out to greet me, I could tell that whatever he did for a living was a graciously manual job. His hands were thick yet his nails well manicured, the cologne he wore yelled class as we hugged each other.
Andrew as I later got to know worked in a petroleum company in the western part of Uganda and reaped as much as deserved. We sat out at coffee to catch up with the lost time and to this day I cannot reckon how the conversation veered from general life to relationships and for the first time I just listened as he went on and on.
In an agonised tone, Andrew went on to narrate his rather eminent misery. “Recently I got a little older,” he said; learned a lesson or two, like how loving someone could never be as poetic as I wanted it to be. How can I accept that the miracle of love isn’t really a miracle at all? How can I wrap myself into someone else’s arms when I know that there isn’t any sort of poetic loving involved? How do I unlearn the romantic thoughts that taught me to paint heaven yet it has been nothing like it?
All this while all I could do is stare right in his face with no particular emotion on my face. Inside me it was killing me that this seemingly strong man on the outside was broken to pieces on the inside by what he held in the most regard. Love.
After achieving some of his biggest dreams in life which were finishing school, he now had 2 master’s degrees in engineering as well as working for a high profile place (he now worked as the chief engineer at Tullow Oil), he set out to find the one last thing that would bring his world to a beautiful completion. It was not long before he met Samantha on one of his field work operations in the East. Samantha’s beauty was stunning with thick melanin that glowed like she had been dipped in a tin of crude coconut oil. Her hips bust through her dresses leaving very cloth to perfection once it fell on her body.
Lutgard I kid you not, this girl hooked me from the very first sight, Andrew said. We sat out in the dark field for hours talking forever about God knows what. The fireworks and butterflies in my stomach gave me hard kicks each time she spoke, and I could stay forever right there in that field if it were up to me. After we parted I called her every second I got and made any excuse to see her. I fell in love with Samantha and fell pretty hard.
But like they say, not all that glitters is gold. After about twelve months of dating, this angel dropped from heaven began to change color, her moods began to swing in all directions with no given order or warning. What was exciting before had become a bother to her, they only talked when he called and unlike before, the long conversations had grown short always accusing fatigue for the quick goodbyes. At first Andrew thought this is normal in relationships, people need ‘me time’ once in a while. After a while, this whole setting had become something oblivious and it caused a grown ass man to hurt like a teenage boy. On one occasion he even got his eyes running which was unlike him. He just could not believe how a mere female not even related to him seemed so important in that moment that even his own mother didn’t seem to matter. His pain was so deep, itchy smelly that he could do everything possible to take it away. And the only person who could do that was everywhere else but in his life.
The way his body moved and thoughts run felt like poetry in every word he spoke. His large bud eyes now tinged red almost falling out of its socket spelled inherent feelings muffled by the pain, like a smoldering bonfire covered with damp leaves. His masculine ego had long gone out of the window as he mourned the dimming flame of affection, like pieces of wet wood emitting sinuous smoke. As tears rushed down the surface of his now sweaty face, he quickly brushed them away speedily as if embarrassed for shaming the male generation. I gave him an assuring pat on the back and told him, IT IS OKAY NOT TO BE OKAY
Many a time we have locked ourselves or society has locked us in this space that tears are an emblem of weakness. So many people especially the male generation wear the strong badge to impress God knows who, yet they crumble on the inside. If only pillows could tell you the many tears they have engulfed you would know. We have known people who have cut loose because they had to be the strong ones for everyone else until the eruption could no longer be contained on the inside and had to manifest on the outside. How can we learn to let go of the narrative that we must run from or distract ourselves from our feelings in order to be okay again? Those feelings are not going to go away — not now, not ever my friend unless you address them.
Now am not telling you to go about the city drenching the streets with your tears, no! trust me it is nagging, all am saying is you may need to seek for help when you need it. Look for your trusted support system, go naked and be yourself with them, do not die in that misery alone after all a problem shared is a problem halved. We need to unlearn our old behavior of suppressing our emotions. And again IT IS OKAY NOT TO BE OKAY

