On Procrastination
Honestly, I’m supposed to be working. My to-do list is out of control, and I’ve been a little bit behind for so long that friends are now starting to say that maybe I shouldn’t meet up with them for drinks.
It’s a sad state of affairs.
[Note: I started this 6 years ago, and thought I’d pick it back up…]
Funny how true it is that the more things change, the more they stay the same. It’s now 2020 and I’m in my pjs (#pantsfreelife), trying not to freak out about the slow bits between projects, and trying to keep my focus on the tasks and bits of work (plenty and overwhelming) that need my attention.
It seems like the end of every year gains momentum in leaps and bounds, leaving me sprinting to just stay caught up with the moment. And the beginning of every year seems to afford me a bit of time to catch my breath and sit with what shape I’d like things to take in the coming months. As much as I’m wigging out at the open-endedness of my days, I’ve also learned to love this time (in between moments of panic).
Been finding myself sitting, reading, writing, and painting/drawing/doodling nearly every morning.
Feels like the height of luxury (and causes much clamoring/guilt) to spend my mornings in swathes of silence, building a practice out of whatever creative/contemplative activity fits the moment.
Probably the fact that I’m staring down a milestone birthday (so soon!) is also making me assess/reassess all teh things. In many ways, everything is so much different than I’d imagined. There are a million things I haven’t done. And, if I’m honest, there’ll likely be a million things left undone after I’m gone (this milestone is forcing me to be on friendlier terms with my — constantly — impending mortality). And, if I’m brutally honest, I’m unlikely to become an astronaut or solve for cancer or anything else I’d imagined I’d be doing. My life is spent making enough pixels of light do a thing to try and communicate with other hoomans. Nothing that’ll help cure cancer.
And somehow, the last decade hit me over the head with enough that I’ve kinda sorta become relieved by all of this. Mebbe it’s slacking (bad azn kid!), but I’m super happy embracing the B+ student that I am. I don’t need to be #1, just in the top 6–10 so I can make it into the canoe. (Speaking of which, one of my goals is to get better at getting into the damn kanu this season… #waterchanges). I’m not as interested in achievement…I mean, it’s nice to get recognized and my ego is here for it. But/AND, lately I’m loving the doing part of the thing. Even if I do it with no mastery (check me out on my ‘ukulele), there are things that make my heart leap, exhale, and flutter. I’m here for that.
So writing. Idk. Figure I’ll dust off this medium (pun intended), let myself ramble beyond 140-ish characters, and not really worry about the why of it.
Here’s to meandering toward things that make our hearts leap in 2020!
