The Replacements (2000)
When I watch movies, I dispend any and all thinking. I don’t try to solve the mystery before it’s revealed, and generally, I can’t see plot holes. Upon a sixth or seventh viewing, however? That’s when I notice things (big and small) that start to frustrate me and can affect my future enjoyment of said movie. So with this intro out of the way…
Can I ruin The Replacements for you?
You remember The Replacements. Norman Dale graduates from Hickory High to coach a team of scabs during a professional football player strike and Neo is his QB.
Now, I first want the record to reflect that I find this movie enjoyable. I get sucked in for at least a few minutes every time it’s on cable. And I’m also fully aware that it’s the kind of movie that doesn’t take itself too seriously, so the feelings I have might be a bit unfair.
But there are two specific things that don’t make any sense to me — among the many that happened throughout the movie — that frustrate the hell out of me.
It doesn’t bother me that coach Jimmy McGinty (Gene Hackman) just so happened to be keeping an eye on a bunch of random dudes on the off-chance he would one day be thrown in a position to build a replacement team from scratch.
The Sugar Bowl game everyone refers to (Shane Falco’s “quicksand game” that torpedoed his career) apparently happened in his first year of college and we have no idea what happened after that. Seems like an awful lot of confidence and hope to put on a guy who had one good college football season that culminated in a disastrous bowl game. But this doesn’t bother me either.
And I’m not bothered by the fact that apparently the cheerleaders are striking too. Why does the super attractive head cheerleader girl who owns a bar and drives like a crazy person need to hold tryouts? Were the cheerleaders showing solidarity with the players who earn 10,000 times more than they do?
‘Member when they’re in jail dancing to I Will Survive (Yeah. I ‘member!) and it seems as though the whole team is there? And how it’s like 20 guys, if that? Well… this doesn’t bother me at all, because the entire Adams College roster in Revenge of the Nerds was only about 18 deep.
Quick intermission shout-out to Pat Summerall and John Madden, who were beyond excellent in this movie — in fact, they were easily the best part. And the best part of the best part was their game commentary over Falco getting the courage to finally make a move on the head cheerleader in her bar.
Speaking of gameplay, that’s another flaw. But yet another one I’m not mad at. It honestly doesn’t drive me crazy that after Falco tackles Danny Bateman — AKA Mikey from Swingers all ‘roided up — after an onside kick recovery… he calls a timeout! The clock stops automatically there!!
No, the two things that drive me crazy are the following:
1) After douche-QB extraordinaire Eddie Martel crosses the picket line to suit up for the last game of the season, he has some choice words for Falco. And some of them center around Falco’s involvement with Annabelle, the hot head cheerleader. You know how this goes… “You’re not good enough for her. She deserves better.” Yadda Yadda Yadda. This makes sense, because, well, Martel’s a dick. What doesn’t make sense is Falco believing it. Hey Shane, this cocksucker has been treating you like dog shit all movie and even got some overpaid crybabies to flip over your truck. So why the fuck do you care what he says? Why does he have any weight? Fuck that guy!
This also leads right into the other thing that drives me crazy:
2) So Martel’s starting the last game. Cool. But why does Falco leave the team? Are the replacement rosters only allowed to suit up one player per position? Falco can’t rock the clipboard on the sideline (like he was supposed to do as a Freshman) while Martel earns the ire from the crowd, coaching staff and his fellow players? As a wise man once told me, “this shit don’t make no sense.” Oh, and while I’m here, I know Falco lives close to the stadium and everything, but you mean to tell me that he can get from his place into the locker room in less than 5 minutes? I would think that since he turned his back on his teammates and packed it in, he probably would’ve been required to hand in his parking pass. Obviously the security guard on duty that night is a Shane Falco fan.
And that’s what drives me crazy about The Replacements — a ridiculous movie that I enjoy more than I should.
