I Spent Years Convinced I Wasn’t Trans — Because Jordan Peterson & Ben Shapiro Told Me So
Looking back, I realise I always knew. The feeling was omnipresent. But in my teens, I got pulled into bigotry and convinced myself that transitioning would ruin me.
This is the story of how I unlearned all of that and finally began to accept myself. I’d love to share my journey with others — maybe someone out there has gone through something similar. I hope my story helps, or even changes a mind.
Enter: a simple little boy
I honestly remember very little of my early childhood, but I’ve always been told by my family that I was pretty happy. I used to enjoy playing hockey, tennis, cooking, Lego and playing video games (but not to an unhealthy level). I’d describe it as a pretty gender-neutral upbringing. I was always much closer to my Mum, but that was just because my dad was a dickhead (reoccurring theme), not for any other reason.
By all accounts, I was just a normal kid. Nothing to suggest I’d grow up to be a trans woman. Nothing at all.
I first started thinking about my gender when I was 8. I remember falling asleep in a twin bed in my grandparents’ house and having a dream where I was actually a girl. There was no reason for it, the dream was unremarkable, but when I woke up, I remember feeling sad that it wasn’t real. I don’t think I knew anything about trans or even LGBT people at the time (as a family we knew two gay couples), and from what I remember I convinced myself that it was only a weird dream — I was in a chocolate factory for Christ’s sake!
From that point on I distinctly recall being very interested whenever the concept of a boy becoming a girl came up in tv shows — I loved Timmy Turner in the Fairly Odd Parents episodes, Ranma in Ranma ½ and Max Russo in Wizard of Waverley Place. However, again I didn’t know anything about trans people, so for me this didn’t suggest anything deeper. My thoughts about being a girl were obviously for no other deeper reason revealed later on…
We didn’t have a computer for a while, but in about 2010 we stopped having dial up and when on YouTube I saw a video of a trans woman talking about her life, her transition and she just seemed so happy. Everything about her story really resonated with me at that point apart from her knowing instinctively since she was 5 that she was a girl, and it had been a thought every day of her life. As far as I was aware I hadn’t had that. I have no stories of me dressing up, asking people to act like I was a girl or thinking about being a girl every day. It was a once in a while thing, nothing serious. The concept of being trans was completely new to me, so I thought I might as well wait it out and see if I felt the same in a few years, it wasn’t going too badly at this point (I peaked in primary school).
The main turning point for me was when I was around 13 when I was attending an all-boys grammar school (starting age 11). I was generally pretty friendly with everyone at school, and although I was uncomfortable with certain aspects/qualities of boy’s school nothing felt overwhelmingly wrong. However, at the age of 13 I started puberty (thankfully it didn’t do too much damage) and I started to disassociate a lot from my body. School was fine because I could focus on work but whenever I got home, I would spend hours hating myself — I hated having more body hair, I hated my body, I hated my voice, I hated my face, I hated my mind — there was nothing I liked.
Since then, I felt like I had to keep myself constantly occupied — otherwise, I’d end up thinking about myself and getting sad. I wasn’t able to cry from age 13 until I started HRT — I was in a perpetual state of feeling hollow. Every moment, I thought about how much I hated myself and how I wish I had been born as a girl. I became incredibly depressed.
Cleverly, instead of doing anything about this, I became more argumentative, occupied my life almost entirely with video games, and if anyone asked how I was I would just say “it’s all good man, I’m just doing what I want to do and saying what I feel”.
Some readers may ask — “So, why did you not transition at this point? Your criteria was that you must have a strong desire to be a girl, and must have thought about transitioning for years. At this point both of those requirements were fulfilled”. My dear reader, this is where one major factor comes into play — I am a moron. Around this time we had some family drama going on and this meant I didn’t want to burden anyone else (especially my Mum) with my silly little problems. I also knew that if I transitioned, it was probably going to ruin my entire life. My dad had made clear that he was not the greatest fan of the LGBT community. I often heard him make jokes or comments about people who were “different”. I remember times when he would use slurs or nicknames based on race, appearance, being gay or disabled, and being a child, I learned that being different meant you should be mocked. That environment made it so much harder for me to accept myself.
Hearing those horrible things from someone who should have been so close to me made me feel like I had to fit into a certain mould to be accepted. I suppressed so much of myself because I was afraid of being treated terribly by my dad. He would instantly jump on anything he could pick on about someone and use it to bully them. He enforced who I was — I was meant to be a boy. I should be a boy. It isn’t going too badly at this point.
Yippee, I aced my exams and moved to a mixed-gender school. Surely this was my moment of self-discovery, right? Nope — watching Jordan Peterson sounds like a good idea.
Enter a bigot
I would like to quickly thank my father so much for introducing me to racist/sexist ideas as a kid, it really helped the way to pave the way for real neo nazi’s and other horrible people to influence me. I’m not going to lay the blame entirely on him as I have free will, but honestly — I was told my entire life that my father was some socially competent big businessman, and I was so scared of not being popular moving to a new school. I told myself that acting like him (being rude to everyone/about everything) would be the solution to my problems, and these guys talked in the same sort of way about the same sort of stuff as my dad.
So the lovely Ben Shapiro, and those like him explained to me that there were two options to explain my feelings:
1. I was a sick degenerate who was so attracted to women that I wanted to possess a woman’s body.
2. I was a mentally ill/confused young man who believed I was trans because I had a bad relationship with my father, and I’d get over it soon.
Either way, one thing was clear: transitioning was wrong, and it was my divine mission — bestowed upon me by Lord Shapiro & Count Peterson — to make sure everyone else knew it too.
Bigotry was the creed I lived by for years. It gave me a purpose. If I could convince myself that trans people were fundamentally bad (a disgusting belief, I know), then I could rationalize that I could never be trans — because deep down, I was a good person. It was comforting to believe almost in a religious way that there was a simple answer — I was a sinner, and my suffering could be overcome by willpower alone. Ironically, I believed all of this while being a worse person than I ever was before!
Turn it off, resist it with your entire being, you have to.
My first “Coming Out”
I was still struggling with my “gender feelings” and started being moronic at school, but fortunately, I somehow found myself at a friend’s house in mid-2017. It was a small group of friends; We all had a few drinks; I was sitting in the garden with a friend and at that moment a thought entered my head
If this is actually what I feel, why don’t I tell at least one other person in the world?
Two heads are better than one
I didn’t explain in much detail, and pretended I was far less certain than I truly was, but I got my feelings out. They were finally heard by someone. My friend was really supportive, so apart from nearly coughing to death on cat hair, the rest of the night was pure bliss.
The next morning, I realised my “mistake” and went into total damage control.
Explain it away — I was just too drunk, was joking, yeah it was all just a prank that he decided to take seriously. It wasn’t a hard sell; I was still entirely anti-trans people apart from this, so the guy believed that it was a horrible prank, and we haven’t really spoken since.
For the rest of school I devoted almost all of my mental energy to being angry, and for those years, at least I had something else to think about rather than how much I wanted to be a girl. I did make another attempt to explore my feelings — I suspiciously became co-head of my school’s LGBT society with a friend and attended a session, but I was so deep in the closet I couldn’t say anything.
My home life began to deteriorate (largely due to my dad), I stopped caring about my schoolwork and although I seemed somewhat happy, in reality, I hated myself more than ever. The good thing was that at least I wasn’t “a TIM” :)
I began University in 2019 and had an average year besides COVID-19. I played lots of sport and began improving my body. However, even with a level of self-improvement, I still felt that everyone secretly believed I was a horrible person, and they laughed at me behind my back. I was a failure to my family, and I still didn’t feel happy in my skin. Sadly, even though I was socializing a lot and was physically very healthy, I still felt awful.
Also, thankfully I stopped being outwardly anti-trans — deep down I knew that my opinions were horrible, so I actually made a mature decision and stopped insulting people who were just trying to live their lives!
Rough Seas Ahead
My mental state wasn’t helped by going home in March. Before COVID my dad (final time, massive arsehole) decided to lose his mind and become a crystal healing shamanic drummer, but after COVID he had nothing else to do, and became a full-time Qanon lover. He said the craziest things:
- Bill Gates is using the vaccine as population control
- There are chemicals in the water making people trans
- COVID is a massive hoax.
Funnily, he bought a water filter which obviously didn’t work!
I obviously wasn’t close with him before COVID, but Christ, seeing a “loved one” completely lose their mind is so sad, no matter how much you despise them. The one silver lining was that my parents divorced, and my home life became so much happier. Also, during the fun conspiracy theory time I was really able to bond with my brother, so in retrospect COVID was actually quite a good thing to happen to me, even with all the death and destruction happening around!
I moved back to University in September and had a really lovely lockdown year. I became so much better than I had the previous year and felt like I was coming into my own. What really helped was that with my parents’ separation, I had evidence that my father was a terrible guy, so anything he had said didn’t matter as much.
The start of the 2021 academic year was similarly amazing — I lived with different people to the year before, but I felt so sociable. My new housemates were wonderful, and it was so nice to have closer relationships to people. I was back to playing sport all the time, went to the pub and had fun with friends. It was a really great time, although, throughout this I never stopped feeling that something was still wrong with me.
So yeah, then I had a breakdown :D
At this point I began seeing a girl who I thought I really liked. I’d never pursued any sort of romantic “thing” earlier in life, and I knew that a bad reaction would’ve confirmed that I had to transition, life-ruining. As this was my first ever “thing”, it massively contributed to my PMA. I was happy to see her, and at that point I could see a future where I was just some guy. I knew she had only known me as a guy and saw something to like so surely spending the rest of my life as a guy wouldn’t be too bad.
Right?
We then got to the point where we became friendly. That first night I had the worst panic attack of my life and basically just ran away before anything could actually happen. It all came flooding back.
I am disgusting
Things I hate:
My Walk
My Body
My Hair
My Voice
My Face
Myself
It was more than just that — I had spent years convincing myself I wasn’t trans because I was terrified of how people would treat me if they realised. I was excited by the idea of being a girl, but the real roadblock wasn’t my identity — it was my fear. I imagined my life and career falling apart, the people around me reacting with disgust, and society making me regret ever considering it. Realizing I had been tricked into denying my own identity wasn’t just frustrating — it was devastating. I had built my entire sense of self on a lie designed to keep me from happiness.
But there was still time… I had seen the light.
I broke up with the girl soon after and contacted a university therapist. I attended with the pretense that I was struggling with my parent’s divorce and had issues with social anxiety but in the 4th session I spilled the beans (in the most awkward game of “guess my hidden motive for being here” possible — it took a good 30 minutes). I was only willing to say anything because she was lovely, and I knew it was confidential. Sadly, we only had 6 sessions together, so she recommended I speak to a local gender specialist after our sessions stopped.
I googled a free gender clinic in my town and after speaking to a therapist for a little bit, I felt confident — this was who I wanted to be. I then drunkenly told one of my friends at New Year’s 2021 and came out to my Mum early in 2022. I started to grow my hair out and for the first time in a while, my life was improving. I started taking antidepressants and felt much more confident in myself.
While considering my next steps, I had a final session with the gender clinic.
After telling the counsellor about how badly I wanted to be on hormones before I socially transitioned, just so I actually pass, she replied “let’s just get you on the waiting list then, you’ve only just been put on and at the moment the wait time is 7 years”.
I Want to Die
So yeah, the next year or so wasn’t great. I felt worse than I had ever done before — worse than I had in school.
I stupidly believed that NHS treatment was the only way to safely get hormones, so I just gave up.
I asked myself: “what is the point of transitioning? I’ll have to live as a man for 7 years, might as just live the rest of my life as a cis man, it doesn’t matter than much surely?”
“I am just broken, there’s no point in trying”
I ended up telling my Mum that I was mistaken, that I’d thought it through a bit more and I wasn’t really trans — it was just issues with my dad that made me hate men/myself, and that is why I want to be a woman.
The next year or so I got into the worst mental state of my life, even though I had lovely friends, and everything seemed to be going well with my family. Thankfully, I didn’t actually try to do anything, but there were a couple of times I was close to doing something incredibly stupid. I hardly left my house voluntarily in my master’s year, and although I occasionally felt a drop of joy, as soon as I was alone, I didn’t want to exist.
I moved home after university to work for a dreadful Corporate Job and spent the first few months trucking along getting used to having a job. Late 2023 was alright as for the first time I was busy every day and had something to do instead of thinking about how much I hated myself. However, under the surface there was still something very wrong with my mental state.
I was a failure and the world knew. The song is over.
But maybe we’re due an encore…
I began having much stronger thoughts about transitioning in late 2023. I don’t know what switched it my head, I think I finally realised that if I wasn’t going to transition, I was going to die. This time, I knew I had to fully commit and be as positive about my future as possible.
I did more online research and discovered that hormones could be prescribed privately, whilst you could be still seen by a doctor to confirm you were trans. It was silly, I still needed someone to confirm I was trans even though deep down, I knew I could never be a man.
Additionally, the effects of HRT seemed to be truly life changing:
It would allow me to see the world in a new lens
It would make me more comfortable in my skin
I would begin to feel again
I would be able to love myself
With that I was sold. I saved some of my salary, paid for a psychiatrist appointment, and was assessed for gender dysphoria in early 2024. I passed the test :)
I spoke to my Mum after the appointment and she and all the rest of my friends were so supportive. I then booked the next appointment — a required chat and blood exam with the endocrinologist.
All in all, I had to wait around 5 months to speak to her and paid around £800 in fees, but it was so worth the wait. In late 2024, I took my first dose of medication that saved my life and haven’t looked back since. Starting HRT is the best decision I have made in my life.
The main thing HRT has done really has just made me actually not despise myself. Taking away the self-hatred that I’ve lived with since I was 13 has done so much for me — nowadays I can feel things again, I have had more energy to do activities and I can finally look at myself in the mirror:
That’s me.
That’s finally me.
I love myself.
Every new day is now the best day of my life.
The final thing I want to say is this: If my experience resonates with you in any way, please talk to someone — anyone.
I used to hope that someone at uni would magically figure out that I was trans, so they could tell me it wasn’t just in my head. But the truth is, no one really goes around questioning their friends’ gender identities!
Looking back, I realise I shouldn’t have waited around for that one-in-a-million chance. I should have taken the leap, spoken to someone, and maybe then, I’d have hundreds more days to look back on — days where I truly felt happy. I don’t regret realizing the truth. I regret how long it took me to see it.
Outro — Music Round
Sorry, this may be slightly cringey, but I wanted to leave you with a little sample of some of my current favourite songs where the lyrics really reflect how I’ve felt at times in my life. I hope you enjoyed reading :)
“Will anybody every love me?” — Sufjan Stevens
“Make a new excuse another stupid reason; Good luck, babe! Well good luck, babe! You’d have to stop the world just to stop the feeling” — Chappell Roan
“Did I disappoint you? Will they still let me over? If I cross the line?” — Twenty One Pilots
“And I don’t want the world to see me; ’Cause I don’t think that they’d understand; When everything’s made to be broken; I just want you to know who I am” — The Goo Goo Dolls
“Think I forgot how to be happy; Something’ I’m not, but something’ I can be” — Billie Eilish
“I can change” — Mindchatter
“You can’t catch me now” — Olivia Rodrigo
Also, If you have enjoyed reading this, I’m going to try and post more articles soon! I’ll make sure to post on twitter each time there is something new — https://x.com/Weaty138
