Update: I found an old post from school in my drafts. I ended up being able to go on the program but still have some hurdles to jump. I do feel better and more in control of my life now though. I don’t know what my long-term goal is or what I’m striving towards but I’m staying afloat in the day-to-day right now. I’m proud of that.
I need a break. It’s taken me a while to accept that, I guess. I don’t do homework, always study last minute and tend to not have a sense of urgency or put care into my work. It’s not my best, and I just kind of churn it out as last-minute stuff. So I always feel like I’m not doing enough. Like I’m not enough. Things pile up and have been piling up, and I let them. And I let them weigh on me, pushing them away to a later date. But I’m writing this post to acknowledge things I haven’t , on purpose or not, but definitely need to. I’m not happy, and haven’t been for a while. I can’t imagine living my life style for another year, or for another month. But it’s been like that for more than a year depending on what you’re looking at. As school ends and I feel bad about my finals and grades, I wonder if I can stay at this school and succeed, and if I can find a way of caring again, of being happy in life here in the long-term. I’m supposed to study abroad but not feeling too good about it because I haven’t completed a class assignment for the program or the pre-orientation requirements even. I find myself wondering sometimes if it’s really that hard to get out of bed or if I’ve allowed myself to slack off after high school.
I want to use this summer to think and find ways I might be able to have a healthy life here, regardless of weather and circumstances. I feel like at this point in my life, and in life in general, I shouldn’t be waking up in the morning struggling to find a reason to go outside, and then just trying to get through the day if I do leave the building.