The Barkley Fall Classic: 31 miles. 20,000 feet of elevation change. Success: unknown.

To give context to the coming race, I have provided some of our favorite rules below. It is not context in the typical sense, but the personality of the race will immediately become apparent. Imagine how those of us felt who had registered when we received an email with the following:

“Greetings you poor fool. It is with the utmost regret that I inform you that your entry to the 2014 Barkley Fall Classic has been accepted. While we realize that you probably do not yet rue the day that you submitted your application, we know that the magnitude of your error will become obvious before the sun sets on September 20. Thus, we wish to emphasize, at this point, that this unfortunate situation is entirely due to your own misguided decision to apply to the race.”

So let us begin with the rules. These are not all of them, just a smattering of Luke and I’s favorites:

1. How to get to Frozen Head: we recommend that you drive…what were you expecting, directions to the park? If you cannot find Frozen Head on your own, you will have little chance during the race.
   Our response: Laugh uneasily, vaguely aware that we didn’t really know the name of the park to start. Google “Frozen Head.” Also Google “camping gear” and immediately request PTO the day before the race to allow us time to get lost in the park before the race even begins.
2. Course Map: We will have a course map in your packet. How long in advance you know the route will depend on how early you arrive. Feel free to whip into the parking lot at the last possible moment. It will amuse us greatly.
   Our response: Get a state park map immediately. Six months in advance. Trust no one.
3. Important Course Details: The worst climbs are in the second half of the course. The importance of this information will become obvious, when you start doing the climbs in the first half. There might be some briars. Plan your attire accordingly.
   Our response: Cry at the thinly veiled statement that the second half is going to be more painful than the first. Also start thrashing legs with barbed wire for training. Do not cry while doing so.
4. Pacers: (on four separate line entries) 1) Pacers are not allowed. 2) There are no pacers at the Barkley Fall Classic. 3) Pacers are allowed after you finish. 4) Pacers are not allowed under any circumstances.
   Our response: Ask where our pacers can set up shop. The answer was that our pacers can stand by the tree next to the big rock on the snipe trail. We now train our pacers by sending them snipe hunting three times a month.
5. Trails: [There was a lot of detail in this one, but my favorite part was this:] There will be one of the original Barkley’s “signature” hills in the second half of the race. You might not consider it a trail at all. But you won’t be able to get lost…just keep on climbing.
   Our response: Terror and confusion.
6. Animals: You will probably see white tail deer, and you will envy how easily they go up and down the mountains. You could see elk. There are a lot of wild pigs, not many bear, rumors of cougars, and plenty of rattlesnakes. Look; don’t touch!
   Our response: We’re probably going to get eaten by cougars. If we don’t, we will probably wish we had.
7. Litter: If you throw litter on the trail, you will be shot, and left for wild pigs.
   Our response: We’re probably going to get eaten by whomever is shooting those littering. Better yet, we can end our misery mid race by littering.

The final bit of advice left us feeling warm and fuzzy: “You may decide to train for this event. However, training is only making small payments over time; putting miles in the bank, to withdraw on race day. If you choose, you may simply pay a lump sum on the day of the race. Please note that there is a significant penalty for overdrafts. Not training, however, will provide comfort when your inevitable failure occurs as you realize that you have not wasted all those hours in a fruitless quest.”