Introduction to Explore: Stories of Youth & Sexuality

Growing up, I was a very sexually curious, open, and experimentative child. I had a sort of spirit surrounding it, an inquisitive drive to learn more about my own body, and the sexual world I had just recently discovered existed. Persistent and fearless in my adventurous, little could stop me from exploring. From deciphering foreign language sex-ed books to hosting a menstruation conference in my neighborhood as a 10-year-old I knew what I wanted to know and got creative with how I got to know it. I had such a positive attitude surrounding my sexuality, surrounding creating my own boundaries. I felt so deeply in control of my body and its pleasure from a really young age. But as I was growing up and pushing my understanding more, becoming more socially aware I grew out of that phase, and my view of my past experiences completely changed. I looked back at them with horror. I wondered why I did those things, I believed I had deviant desires, I was convinced that I couldn’t trust myself to make decisions regarding my body. I felt shame and embarrassment as more and more of these childhood memories flooded in, the guilt was overwhelming. I questioned my own sanity and my sexuality because of them. The psychological toll of pushing these stories as far from my mind as I could was enormous. I didn’t know how to deal with it. I felt paralyzed by the idea that I experimented with girls…