About why I’m writing blog article

Exthyuz
Exthyuz
Nov 4 · 4 min read

I want to write a series of blog articles because I want to share all my experience, my set of mindsets, and my attitude, especially to younger people who might currently in my position as I was years ago, ergo, have a similar issue as I was. I hope it helps them to do the right thing for themselves. I hope they are not too late. A good, selfless cause, right? That first paragraph is the first draft of the initial goal of my blog. I think the topic is rather good, not too broad and not too specific either.

Picture of tree in a park of Kediri

Well actually, after I ponder and reflect on what the core driver to make me plan, draft and actually finish this first article is rather selfish: I have been wanting to produce something, anything, and prove to myself that I can be productive. It is not that the first paragraph above is not true, but I think it is the second layer. Hell, this might sound so cynical for your taste but I think everybody is selfish, even the selfless ones. For they are selfless to satisfy their need of being selfless.

I digress. Anyway, why would I want to proof myself that I can be productive, that I can produce something meaningful? I’ve been graduated from one of the best high school in my province. I also have been graduated from Psychology Major of one of the best university in Indonesia. Isn’t it working in one of the Indonesian tech company can be considered as productive? As I write these sentences I realize two things:

1. I was graduated with mediocre result and to be brutally honest, I think I am just a mediocre person in all aspect of my life.

2. My mind is screaming, dragging me to stop and just take a break, delay this writing. But, I’ve been committed to write just this one article, so I will continue until I achieve my target: 300 word minimum.

Back to my issue: why should I regret that I got no achievement? I think you would agree that we don’t have to be a high-achiever, just don’t be good-for-nothing. I think my regret emerge because I think I actually could achieve them. I think I can do better. Before tonight, I couldn’t explain why I am so sure that I have what it takes to achieve all of that. Now I realize that I am sure of the ability of myself because I never tried. When I did try, I never continue to do that wholeheartedly. By doing so, I thought I’d save myself from the pain of failing. And it might be true. But I compensate those chance of getting pain with the certainty of being mediocre.

And suddenly this night heaven save me from my indulgent with these depressed thought.

And at first, it feels good to only plan something and do nothing about it. It’s the feeling of you could be succeed that hooked you. You ought to know, when I do nothing I also got similar feeling that if only I’ve done something and achieved the best I could. It’s proportionate, the feeling of potential failure and success. I am the kind of person that somehow like to make plan, a Wacana person. It’s so shallow, I know.

Nevertheless, I have come to terms to this shortcoming of mine. I fully realize that whenever I make a promise, whenever I make plan, whenever I start a hobby, I have to be careful. Is that the Wacana of me talking, or am really sincere and fully committed to it. I realize I will strive do better, if not my best, only when I might disappoint people closest to me: my mother and girlfriend. Nowadays, I limit myself to commit to only several activities: play guitar, reading, and write this blog.

I will put my best effort in doing those activities and being expertise on my domain of my current profession. And if with all those effort I still failed or mediocre, I will be satisfied. At least I put an effort on them. I hope the universe bless me with resilience, so I can bounce back and try again if I do fail. And if there’s no hope for me succeeding, there will be no regret, there is only acceptance. Trying to achieve something, even if it fails, is still productive for me.

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