An open letter to Alphabet

Dear Alphabet (Google to be specific)

You are failing. Well, I suppose that is imprecise. You are probably making a tidy sum of profits. So much so that it causes me to wonder why you are hitting me up for my domain registration a full nine months before my registration is scheduled to lapse. I’m not sure if it’s immediately apparent on a medium article what the published date is, so I will just highlight in the body when it is. The date of this writing is Monday, April 4th 2016.

Look, I get it. Times are tough. Possibly even for multi-billion dollar international conglomerates. But you are becoming “That company”. I know, I know.. The early days were sweet. I still adore you. You’ve been my search engine for longer than all the others were combined. I see you every day because I like the webmail interface for gmail more than I’ve ever liked any email interface.

The fact is though; You are becoming a terrifying combination of a partner you are scared to break up with because they make it so hard, and that irritating person that’s always trying to hit you up for money.

When I try to communicate my feelings over your irrational behavior you are distant and unavailable. Every time I do I find that I am mentally and emotionally exhausted from trying to rationalize with your manipulative tactics and round about communication skills.

Several weeks ago you sent me an email implying that you wanted to be reimbursed for services I am quite sure I do not use. I do not have a large company. I literally do not have any company. I have a personal domain that I am in the process of trying to use for my artistic endeavors and blogging.

At the beginning of our commitment I was excited. “It’s google!” I thought, this is going to be easy. At some point in time later on, I found myself in a poly relationship with you and Go Daddy. This wasn’t kinky, it wasn’t enlightened. It was mostly just creepy. There was no consent involved.

I might have been ok with continuing this relationship if you made it easier for me to communicate my needs and voice my objections when I wasn’t into something. However, it doesn’t seem like that is going to be forthcoming.

So, as of two minutes ago I “Canceled my subscription” to google apps for work. I had 50 “Licenses” whatever that really meant, and less than the 10 users you provided at the start of the relationship. Now, it would seem that my worst fears are true. For some reason you have created a situation where I do not even have the one email account that one would presumably need to manage the domain. Even though, to be honest you always shunted the heavy domain lifting off on your poly partner anyway.. Remember, that one that I never wanted to be involved with in the first place? It seems the user number I had for them was only usable via an inaccessible doorway you had at your place. I know this is going to be a nightmare, I’m really not enthused with the thought of wrestling my domain name back into my hands through your terrible partner but I guess I have 9 months to do it in.

There were other problems.. That was the biggest. Other highlights of a dysfunctional relationship included you not having any way to merge two distinct plus accounts both belonging to me somehow. One including my beloved “Ezmyrelda” id. The other which was supposed to be my artist profile doesn’t. I’m kind of partial to it as I’m sure you can tell. I have every reason to believe I am the only person in the world who spells it that way and has it on their legal ID. It’s even in my gmail address, yet for several years you suggested “esmeralda” to me despite having results unique to myself be on pages numbering up to twenty. Having just checked, I find that has diminished and for some incomprehensible reason you “suggest” that spelling again after 9 or so pages. As if I’m going to come to my senses at some point in the results and realize that the validity of the spelling of my own name becomes irrelevant after X amount of pages.

I digress. I had to run. I still think you are great. We can still be friends. I just can’t be in a relationship with a corporate entity that uses scare tactics to hit me up for money nine full months before I am scheduled to pay them again.

P.S. I’m still kind of pissed off you are discontinuing the wallet card. I loved that part of you! Loved it! But you’ve changed.. and not for the better.