Comeback Is Real

Yes you can.

To be truly honest, the last six months of my life hasn’t been that fruitful. In a way that I can fully admit that I don’t know where to go in my Christian life anymore. To be in a situation wherein you couldn’t just convince myself if I still deserve to be called in a position to lead others to God is so disappointing. I got very familiar with all the things that lead me not to grow. I fell into a “hole” where I just feared that I may be lost and never come back again just like some of the people that I knew before.

It started a few months back when the fear of failing subjects hit me. For me I know it’s gonna come sooner or later but the aftermath is something I’m not really prepared for. It was an adjustment period for me and my friends to fight for our time to still meet up, set up a schedule for weekly gathering, encourage one another until one by one they all slip away. Little that they may know it but I wasn’t really okay with it and it feels like losing friends. It’s heartbreaking to see that our group wasn’t that solid at all. Slowly I let them go. In those times, I questioned myself why did I ever fight for them again and why I pushed them to where they are right now not knowing that one big storm could just take it all away.

Just when I thought I can start up all over again and it was time to have another group when all things were happening too fast I thought to myself that I can still continue on serving God. But the timing was just out of my hands. There’s just so much going on. From that point I conclude that no one’s holding the other end of the rope for me. I got lost again.

Weeks after that I got reconnected with my old buddies again and in that moment I felt happiness. I got into a party with them and for once again I felt the joy that I haven’t experience for a while. The downside of being youth that deep down inside I know my conviction is tested. Somehow I thought they provide the company that I’ve been longing for in that depressing season in my life that I haven’t got in my friends in church. Then came another one which I know to myself that I’m crossing a line where it could lead to a big change in my life that I may regret for the rest of my life. I was in a party where I saw many people drinking, dancing, and having the best night of their life. At that moment I felt like I am just one of them waiting for hours to pass before they would get hit by the hard reality of tomorrow.

A week after that I was confined because of a dengue outbreak in our place. I wasn’t able to go to school for a week. Those two nights weren’t something that I would ever go back into. In those times I realized that I’ve been losing a lot outside of time being in the hospital. Those things made me wonder that if I would want to continue the “happiness” that I’m doing in the last few weeks would sustain me until the end. Somehow it made me realize that it’s no different than what I was experiencing every night thinking when I will go out and enjoy the life that I’m supposed to be living. I just knew at that moment that I was missing a lot.

One of the realizations that I got was that He never left me. At once I thought I was alone but then I’m really not. It’s amazing how He gave us the freewill to make our own choices and mistakes but would never ever leave us. It will always be about isolating myself to the real love that I have experienced before just because of failed relationships.

Having people getting me on track is something that I am forever grateful in. Knowing that having spiritual family who’s there to correct you and lift you up once again in your walk is a gift. A gift that I would never appreciate if not tested by this kind of circumstances. A great reminder that in this battle I am not alone and that I would need an army backing my every move.

I went back. Fought for it. And I’m back standing again in the position that I’ve taken for granted before. A position where I can call Him my savior again. But then again He reminded me that it’s not my own strength that pulled me back again but only His love that’s in me all along.