Hope for a different May.
I dread this month once again. I promised myself last year that 2016 will be different. I thought it’d be too, until the last few days.
A few years ago, the month of May was the best of my life. It quickly turned into a nightmare just after. I couldn’t get over the passing of a loved one. Not until I received a helping hand from a friend. But that wasn’t enough either. But, I think I’m in a better shape this year than the previous years.
However, the point of this blog is not to shed light on what happened then. It is about what followed. I lost trust and faith in everything around me. I think that incident defines who I am today (Especially in the last one year, I think I’ve grown way more than the years before). I don’t necessarily think that’s a bad thing, because we can always look at the good side of things.
As I said, I lost trust in people, that remains so even today. I do well in my routine life, in studies, staying fit, a decent social life and so on and I’m pretty happy with it. I even have job at my university as a research scholar(I am a student). But these have varying degrees of satisfaction. In the social life aspect, I make friends, but not so many because most people fucking annoy me. I’ve lost the tolerance that I had to this chaotic world. I no longer see value in possessions, “achievements” and meaningless parties and meetings. I see value in meaningful relationships, but finding the right people is a mammoth of a task. I’m currently happy with my current circle of friends, even though we share lots of different opinions and perspectives, but that’s the point, we need that variation.
When I hangout with my friends, I’m totally fun and can be mean( So I’ve been told), but in a sarcastic way. And when I’m alone, I find myself slipping into a deep abyss. No, I don’t suffer from depression. I’m one the most rational and realistic/optimistic person you’ll ever meet. It’s just that, sometimes, I’m tired of being different from everyone else. This one time, to take break from everything, I just plugged in the earphones went for a day long walk along the river Inn.
I guess, I need a companion, someone who matches my thoughts and who can challenge me and vice versa such that we can together create something new. I need a relationship, whether friendship or romantic, doesn’t matter. Maybe just a connection on a level that I haven’t felt before. That’s going to be hard to find given my allergy to certain humans.
Well, I should get back to my course work. Lots to be done there. I’ll be back woth another post sometime!