My first birthday without you.


My birthday is in 12 days. After I woke up this morning I started thinking about what I wanted to do for my birthday. This milestone birthday that I am somewhat dreading and is fast approaching….then I realized that you will not be there. I will miss your birthday wishes and the silly birthday songs you sing to me. I reviewed the birthday card that you and Mom gave me last year and I looked at the message on my card from you. I feel such a tremendous ache in my heart when I think about you. I wonder when you wrote those words, if you realized you would not be here for the next one. I think with everything that was going on at the time and having lost Eric the year before, I did not really not have the time to grieve. I am really starting to feel your loss. Every birthday, every holiday since you died has been bittersweet, and they get harder. I thought having to go through Eric’s death maybe made me a little stronger, but now I realize it has not made me any stronger, its just different. I know as we approach your bday and the upcoming year from your passing that each event will be harder then the one before.

Daddy. I miss you so much!

I want comfort that only you can provide... It makes me so incredibly sad that you will not meet David. I am going to marry him ,Dad and he has never met you.

I need your advice, only the advice that you can provide and I can’t have it. I keep my endless thoughts and chatter inside, because there isn’t really anyone to share them with, not the way I could with you. I realized what I loved about talking with you was the freedom from judgement. You listened to me and even if you did not you accepted and loved me for who I was. One day we will meet again and until then I guess I survive and feel a little more lost until one day I don’t.

Always your little bear.


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