Sitting at my desk at work, not working. It’s becoming a habit.
It just speaks volumes about all the things I’d rather be doing instead. Writing, drawing, sorting out my shiny new planning notebook, gazing at Pinterest… All much more interesting that what I’m supposed to be doing.
My mind is buzzing with possibility, glimpses of half-formed ideas are bouncing around the inside of my skull and, at the same time, I feel that wonderful urge to just write. Everything. Anything. Naturally I end up here, my new realm of writing opportunity.
I like trying new things, experimenting with new forms of writing in an attempt to try and clear out the sludge in my brain. This is the latest in those new things.
Yesterday I wrote about needing to find the courage to hit the publish button.
I seem to have knocked over some kind of barrier in my mind, because now I can’t help myself. Today I don’t give a crap about being too scared to thrust my ramblings into the wide world. The world is going to have to deal with it, and anyone else that stumbles across this piece.
As I rapidly head towards the big 3–0, I find myself coming to closer to the end of a harrowing journey. A journey of darkness, demons and general horribleness that I have spent more years trying to escape than I’d like to admit. I’ve been turning a corner lately, taking more stock in my philosophies and beliefs, my future, thoughts and fears. I still have a bit further to go.
I’ve tried blogging about this kind of thing before, via Wordpress, but I lost interest, thus it has been abandoned for some time. I’m wondering if the same will happen here too… This time might be different. I have learned many lessons on my journey since those blogs. I have new insights and I am clearer about what needs to be accomplished to achieve some peace in my mind.
Knocking down barriers being one of those things.
Letting go of my past being another.
Focusing on my future.
Not holding back.
Learning that failure is not a reflection of self.
To get it into my head that, actually, I am good enough.
Maybe this my unconscious way of making a new start, to take on all of these things and to overcome the depression once and for all. Maybe this is my platform to do so. Even these pieces just being a string of thoughts which no one else reads or understands, the idea that this is going out into the world is cathartic. More so than my personal journal entries in some ways, as there is the possibility, no matter how small, that it might get read by someone else. This notion in itself it forcing its way against a few of those above barriers.
I guess this is making a stand against my demons; they are powerful in my own mind and can debilitate me. Outside of my mind, on display to the world, they become smaller, insignificant and ridiculed. Then maybe I can fight them more effectively.
Publicly shaming, that’s what I was getting at.
That’s the plan and I’m sticking with it. Whether it will work remains to be seen, but I believe I have been led to Medium for a reason. Even if it is just to write the ramblings that occur to me. You never know, some marvellous wisdom may fall out of one of them one day.