this is One for the Golden Days

it’s really funny when you’ve suddenly stopped taking the medication and at first you might assume, hey I’m alright, I don’t feel afraid or nervous. Come two days, and suddenly those feelings resurface again, the anxiety ripping in from those holes you’ve glued so tightly shut.

what i’m feeling now is sort of scary because i can identify the problems very clearly, but yet i can’t get rid of the problem itself. these things that my mind decides to contemplate over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over again, only yesterday I would push away and tell myself how stupid, how silly, don’t waste your time on that. And yet, here I am, stressing out about whether someone close to me hates me because of a small thing that I’ve said. By rambling my apologies to them, it makes things worse, I’m creating deeper holes that weren’t there before. This sort of rambling that isn’t cute, or quirky, or adorable. It’s pathetic, and sad and so uncool.

I feel like the shaking is starting, it’s starting that thing where i feel it in the bones of my chest, slowly emanating this shaking that soon overtakes my breathing and the tear-ducts open. I want to cry and I want to sleep, i don’t want to talk to anybody, especially you.

Mostly it’s about that self-loathing you get, sort of like, how dare you complain about this? People have it much much worse, and yet here you are, whining and almost-crying about your stupid privileged problems. I know, I know, I know. I’m gonna try harder, I promise, I promise myself.

The counting’s gonna start soon, the worry’s gonna intensify. I’m not ready. not ready for this again and you don’t understand and you won’t do anything about it.