hollow?
recently i went out on a meet up – because it’s too casual to be called as a date – with someone that have a mutual friend. although we shared so many stories i only listened to the it because that’s what i do on meet-ups or first dates, i like to analyze stories, perspectives, attitude just to determine will i continue or not. but that’s not what matters this time, a strike came in when i drove back home to realize that i don’t feel a thing. at all. usually I’ll feel both sparks or irritated after the first date/meet up. i’m not happy but i don’t hate it as well, it’s just plain hollow.
also, recently i deleted dating app that has been my company for few months to look for someone, whether it’s just hookups, FWB(s), or even someone that we’ll never speak again to. i’m not saying that i might reinstall it sometime later but i came to the point where i think nobody would treat me better than the way i treat myself – or people that i care about to be fair – because i know my worth and i always know what i want. i used to be a hopeless romantic that i might fell in love in the first date, i normalized their shitty behaviours, i forgive them just to make the fool out of me until i finally realized they took me for granted.
the thing is, i finally realized that i might be to aloof that i started to feel hollow is the new normal. the new fear that came up recently is that “can i still feel love? can i still fall in love? can i still share my life with someone?” knowing that i’ve been single for 5 years without have to share my life intimately or afraid of being cheated by my partner. i do believe the concept of love, but because it’s a strong phrase it must be taking a lot of effort on the practice, saying “i love you” is always a piece of cake but to let you know that you hold onto a commitment over there after the word “love” came out. i am sorry i cant have that commitment right now, i am too aloof and too hollow to hold onto something that isn’t rigid whilst i need something very firm to hold onto.
ironically, i do worried of feeling hollow and aloof that might make me super skeptical but at the same time i do feel this is the safest zone i’ve ever been in, although my fear made me reach my best friends that finally suggest me to be vulnerable. when the right one comes in. another hard task to do but slap the shite out of me that it actually comes in a full circle already. to get rid of your hollowness you should be extra brave for being vulnerable – which freaking me out – that hollowness came when you’re afraid of being vulnerable. you’re creating this solid fort and aloofness as a trait that you don’t let people see how messy you’re inside, you kept this to yourself for years just like my case. i still am afraid to open up because of past traumas that i recently closed all the chapters and moved on for good, it was killing me and changed me to a more mature but aloof and bitter individual. it might be my fault i’m being hollow, but if it’s to protect me and to create space that will be an advantage for me for what’s before me then why not? i’m still concerned about this love life thing that i might too aloof i missed something great with someone out there. then again, this time being hollow is the best and safest decision i’ve ever made, so heres me embracing my hollowness for whatever comes.
