Part Three: Smiling with Hate
“I had sex with D”
I must be insane. Who cheats on her boyfriend and slaps him in the face with a confession like that? I knew I’d screwed everything up.
My boyfriend was staring at me as if I had sprouted two horns. I could see a range of emotions on his face, from confusion to distrust to betrayal.
“what did you just say AY?” he questioned
I couldn’t bear looking at his face any longer. I realized I shouldn’t have told him that.
“Look at me, AY,” he said as he shook my shoulders to get me to look at him.
“Steve, please don’t make me say it again,” I said, not looking at him.
“So I’m no longer a babe to you, but rather Steve. Now I don’t matter to you because there is someone else” Steve said this with an angry tone in his voice.
I couldn’t blame him for thinking so. I haven’t called him by his name since we started dating.
“So that’s why you went to his place to fuck him, and that’s why you wouldn’t let me touch you, huh? I’ve always wanted to have you, but you won’t let me, and now you’re sleeping with him?”
I was taken aback; I knew I had broken the news to him in the most inhumane way possible, but why is he only concerned with the fact that I didn’t sleep with him? I had to push the thought aside. I had to tell Steve what had happened.
As I faced him, I slowly looked up, tears streaming down my cheeks.
“I’m sorry, babe. I really wanted it to be you, but….” I began but couldn’t bring myself to finish because I was sobbing uncontrollably.
“But you wanted him,” I’m sure you’ve never been a virgin. You simply did not wish for me to have sex with you.” Steve went on.
“I was raped, Steve,” I sobbed.
Steve wasn’t expecting my revelation, so everything was quiet for a few moments. For a brief moment, I imagined that now that he was aware, he would back me up.
“There is nothing like rape, AY,” he said.
“You went there on your own. You’re now playing the rape game. I had a feeling! I knew you guys were up to something,” he continued,
“But Steve, you know I’m not going to lie to you about this,” I swear I did nothing wrong. Steve, he raped me.”
Steve remained calm for a moment before saying,
“At least now you are no longer a virgin, I can have sex with you.”
Then he moved in closer and brushed a strand of hair away from my face.
I couldn’t believe Steve could be such a jerk. He’s unconcerned about the fact that I was raped. But I kept telling myself that since I was the one who screwed up, it was only natural for him to act this way.
As he leans in and kisses a tear from my cheek and says,
“Now nothing can stop me from having sex with you,”
I didn’t try to move away this time because I didn’t want to irritate him any further. So when he lowered his head to kiss my lips, I kissed him back, hoping to show him how much I still love him.
The kiss was hard as if I were being punished, and he bit at my lower lips hard, which hurt, but I kept kissing him. I felt his hand move and cup my breast as he played with my nipple, and I ache in closer so he could caress me more. I could feel the tension dissipate. When I felt his hands moving towards my center, I instinctively grabbed his hand to stop him. I could sense his rage as he kissed me harder and bit my lips more. I have to pause so that I can call his name as his lips move to my neck.
“Babe, wait,” I said, but he didn’t stop and kept eating at my neck, so I pushed him a bit.
“We can’t, babe. Babe, we have to stop” He pushed me away as I spoke breathlessly.
“What’s the matter, AY, I’m not as good as D? Is that all there is to it?” He stated.
Our first anniversary is in a few days, and I can’t believe Steve would be so fixated with sex rather than how I was feeling. Is it possible that I’ve been in love with the wrong man? I pondered.
“That’s not what I meant, babe. I’m just not there yet” I said, breaking down again. When I looked at him, I saw disdain on his face. He was staring at me like I was dirt. He is disgusted with me.
I realized I’d lost him. I knew I had to make a choice there,
I reasoned “Will he ever be able to forget this? Will our relationship suffer as a result?” “You know, things can’t stay the same,” he said when I asked. “You are and always will be a cheater.”
At that point, I replayed everything that had happened that evening in my head, and I knew we were done.
“I’m sorry I hurt you, Steve,” I began, “and I’m even more sorry we had to end this way. I’m afraid I won’t be able to continue this conversation with you. I can’t bear the thought of you seeing me in that light.”
He didn’t say anything and didn’t move. He handed me the wine I had brought and watched me leave as I picked up my bag and phone. I was broken.
I was about to enter my hostel when I heard a beep on my phone, indicating that I had a message. I checked to see who it was from, and lo and behold, it was Steve.
I guess I was wrong the whole time… He still has feelings for me. When I opened the text message, It reads:
Don’t ever call my number or try to reach me again you lying bastard.
Tears streamed down my cheeks as I read the message, and I stood outside for over 30 minutes staring at my phone, hoping that the message would change, but it didn’t.
I entered the hostel and walked into someone as I approached my door.
“I’m sorry,” I said as I attempted to walk around the person, and I heard him.
“AY? AY, are you all right?”
That voice! As I looked up to look at the person, I thought to myself, “I must be dreaming.”
There he stands, his deep brown eyes staring at my face, his face creased with worry.
I wasn’t hallucinating. It’s him, D, my worst nightmare.
To Be Continued…