Casanova Goes To Therapist

So what’s the big conclusion?

Here’s my big conclusion: all my ex girlfriends displayed exhibitionist tendencies.


Any woman who wears more boot than clothing is clearly doing so to provoke. And you know how I feel about boots. Also all this fucking eye make up. All of them. Like remember Tracey? She’d disappear for an hour in Freemason’s to put on eyeliner. I also recognised a pattern of compensation. I mean sexual adventurousness compensated for social awkwardness. I’ve been with women who can barely introduce themselves, but when you’re on your knees in her flat you’ll address her only as Mistress. And then there’s the other compensation, or maybe not, I’m not sure what you’ll think: emotional transparency as a mode of deception? Sorry if this is sounding too intellectualised, but tis all I’ve got.

What motivates you to analyse your ex-girlfriends like this?

Analyse is the wrong word. I’m just thinking. Trying to move on but keep my head out of the clouds. So long as I’m able, I’ll always be on the pull, so I should at least start learning a thing or two about how to deal with all these broads.

(Therapist makes note of patient’s use of the relatively archaic Americanism ‘broad’, further evidence of patient’s delusions of gangster grandeur when it comes to romance.)

I knew before I studied all this shit, as in, you know, PUA — Pick Up Artistry — that I’d probably wind up unhappy anyway. My rationalisation was as follows: I was gonna be depressed either way. However, there ain’t no man on his deathbed regretting all the minge he’d had. Sorry that’s a horrible word but you…

You thought it would be better to get out more. Sow your oats. I know you hate cliches, but this is what you’re talking about?

No it’s fine. Cliches become cliche for a reason sometimes. And yes that is what I’m talking about.

And sexual experimentation is a big part of any person’s life at your age. Especially if you have internet access. We’ve discussed that before. Lots of people have very fulfilling sex lives entirely carried out online.

And I thought I’d be like that. I mean they have 3D pornos now for Christ’s sake. Livecam models do private shows. There’s a chat forum for every fetish.

And do you think that what people in my field call analogue sex is now no longer viable?

Analogue sex? As in doing it IRL?


In Real Life. Sorry.

Oh sorry I’d actually heard of that before.

Oh. Anyway to answer your question…hmmmm…

You don’t have to answer it now. Might be worth considering though.

Yeah. Still though it seems so unnatural. No I mean genuinely unnatural. Sex should at least involve bodily contact, shouldn’t it?

Well I’m sure you know better than I do that bodily contact isn’t always necessarily the point.

Which reminds me. What the fuck is sex anyway? If you don’t mind me being so blunt.

What do you mean?

What is it? I mean what defines sex?

Well…generally, or rather years ago, I’d have said that it had involve some kind of contact…penetration I mean even though I hate the word.

An orificial entry?

Yes exactly. Leave it to you to you it to put it so poetically. But I had a narrower definition of orgasm and there’s a pun there I can’t think of but also there’s now a trend of anorgasmic climax. What we might colloquially call getting off doesn’t have to include you coming.

As Doug Coupland says, it’s not who you get off to, it’s what you get off to.