40 Things No Man Over 40 Should Own

If you’re a man over the age of 40, here is a list of totally age-inappropriate items that you should throw away immediately if you have them in your home. Let’s face it, you’ve gotta grow up sometime. Listen. Buddy. Guy. Once your spring cleaning is done you’re sure to be drowning in the affection of supermodels galore.

Get rid of this shit:

  1. Cargo shorts
  2. A jar of leg hair
  3. A sock filled with broken light bulbs
  4. Stick-on mustaches for wombats
  5. A mattress made of graham crackers
  6. Pickle flavored glue
  7. A desk drawer full of popped popcorn
  8. An ant farm but for scorpions
  9. Glow sticks filled with yogurt
  10. 200 live grenades
  11. A broken phonograph
  12. 12. A bus pass that expired in 2002
  13. A papier-mâché spleen
  14. 7 cat whiskers taped to an index card
  15. A snow globe filled with salsa
  16. Raisin juice
  17. A 400 lb. block of ice
  18. Nunchucks made of sausages
  19. Edible shaving cream
  20. Pickled snake eggs
  21. Mother’s baby teeth
  22. Baby stroller full of Jello
  23. Mountain lion toenails
  24. Ranch dressing flavored toothpaste
  25. Shoebox full of worms
  26. A petrified Yorkie turd
  27. A stool with no legs
  28. Bagel holes
  29. Denim washcloth
  30. Grizzly bear earwax
  31. Bronzed jockstrap
  32. High school locker combination
  33. Vest made of tomato paste
  34. Slug racetrack
  35. Cordless rotary phone
  36. Bottomless shoes
  37. Full body condoms
  38. Eyeglasses for llama
  39. Ham sculpture of Meryl Streep’s Oscar
  40. Cargo pants

You’re welcome.

Kai Choyce is a writer and comedian from Los Angeles.