Abusing The Girl That Abuses Herself

Sixteen and fresh out of middle school, aka the most awkward stages of my life. The last two years I was bullied to the point of completely hating who I was and wanting to destroy every inch of my body to escape the harsh words from others that echoed in my bones.

The first couple of months were exciting and nerve wracking all at the same time. It was like riding a roller coaster for the first time. I was reconnecting with old friends and meeting new ones. I thought damn, this might be a really good year. No more drama, no more hating myself.

Then I met my ex-girlfriend who at the time was just some chick hitting on me when I wanted nothing but to be her friend. Then with her manipulative yet charming personality she pulled me in. I was set in her trap and 3 years later I am still struggling to escape and we aren’t even together. Not many people know this about me and the ones that do, do not know that I am still struggling to move on and recover.

A month in, I was the happiest I ever been. I forgot about how shitty every thing used to be. We spent every hour talking to each other and everyday hanging out, cuddling and dancing to our favorite Ed Sheeran songs. It was so good and I wanted nothing but to be with her. That is how she set her trap and I wasn’t getting out without a fight.

When it got colder, and the days got shorter everything in me shifted. I was fighting with friends, family and sometimes myself. Having her made me think I had someone to talk to. That was a joke.

Once things got worse for me, our relationship started to crumble right underneath me. I had no idea that what was about to happen would hurt me and affect me and my life decisions many years later.

Destroying my body was the only the way I knew how to cope with difficult feelings and once she found that out, my world was flipped upside down and shattered.

It started out as emotional abuse. She would send me long messages telling me how worthless and self-absorbed I was. She fixed everything with sex and shitty apologies. Because I was so young and this was my real first relationship, I didn’t realize that was not okay. I was so blinded by “love” that I let it go. Then she started hitting me where I was cutting and I just let it happen. The worse thing she had ever said to me was to go kill myself if I wanted to so badly because she is sick of my “woe me” shit and that I didn’t care about anyone but myself. That hurt me behind repair and because I let her control me, I did attempt suicide and I kept doing it until I was put on a psychiatric hold for five days. That was the lowest I have ever been.

Fast forward 3 years later, I am in therapy and my depression has kicked my ass to the point of just not caring. I just started to open up about this because I now realize she is the root to why I am the way I am. I have built walls so high, Trump would be jealous. My confidence level is all the way at the bottom and I have really bad trust issues. Most days I can put it in the back of my head and the other days it comes at me in waves and I drown in her words. I can feel the sting of her hand and I can’t do anything but let it happen just like I did when she was abusing me.

The one thing that still confuses me is when she said I don’t love anyone but myself. Maybe to her but to others, if you love yourself you wouldn’t let anyone hurt you to the point of self-hate and years of being stuck in a trap.

I think what makes me hate her the most is not that she did this to me, but she did this to so many other girls after me and probably many before me. She is a predator and she is still out hunting for prey.

I didn’t treat these wounds with proper care so they have opened back up and now it is time to let it heal right. I will not allow her to keep giving me “infections” and I will be released from her trap. I am done being hunted like prey. I am done letting her abuse the girl who abuses herself.

I am not prey. I am not an object for you to use and then put to the side. I am done being in your trap. I am human. I have feelings and I am ready to be set free.