Relapse

It has been a while since I last cut and I was actually really glad that I lasted this long. But I knew that wasn’t going to last long.

I kept telling everyone that I felt like this was going to be the year that I fucking prove everyone wrong. I literally thought that my last year was going to be the best year. That quickly changed.

After everything that happened between Friday and today, I honestly am I ready to throw in the towel. I know, I give up easy. It’s just easier to give up than continue to fight it because it usually makes things worse.

Everything that pisses me off or makes me upset gives me the urge to cut. I never really acted on it until today. The urge got too strong. I couldn’t let anything else happen.

Once I made that first cut, I felt everything go away. I felt my shoulders relax and my fingers unfolded. I felt so much relief so I kept going until it got too messy. Don’t want to get blood on my mom’s precisous carpet. She might have a fucking cow.

After about an hour or two, I felt my mood finally shift to this calm state. I felt like I was in control again. That is where I know I done fucked up.

Controling my anxiety and mood with cutting is honestly the worst thing for me because I know that I won’t be able to control any other urges that come up like I was able to for a few months. I hate talking about it and I hate having to avoid situations where I know I won’t be able to hide cuts. This is only going to get worse this week.