Josiah Taylor (1640–1677)

Josiah Pepperdine Taylor’s remains were found in western Pennsylvania's “Black Forest” earlier this week. He was 36 years old.

Ten years ago, Josiah moved dangerously close to the knowingly haunted region with an obsession for hunting The Beast of the Wild. The Beast, as we all know, is the feral man-bear the Devil himself spawned to feed on those guilty of theft, murder, and/or masturbation. Having found no one courageous enough to join him in his quest, Josiah relied on the company of his possessed goats and various roaming demons to assure him he was close to achieving his goal.

The poorly forged weaponry found among the shreds of Josiah’s body indicate he posed little to no threat to The Beast, The Devourer of the Unrighteous, who will kill again.

Josiah is survived by a small potato farm and a notebook with the words “more man than bear” scrawled throughout.