Dear European lawmakers,

I’m writing to you on behalf of the European Federation of Industrial, Artisanal and — You Don’t Want to Google This — Anal Cookies. In short, the EFIAYDWGTAC.

For quite some time there, we managed to convince the people of the world that cookies are good — full of delicious fruit flavorings and damn (re)fine(d) grains! We even paid the guy from The Muppets a gazillion dollars to come up with a stupid mascot — inadvertently inventing the ridiculous hashtag #omnomnom, for which we are truly sorry — and we invested heavily in girl scout shares. Seriously, we had everyone eating those cookies out of our hands! (Well, at least the industrial and artisanal ones.)

And then ‘your’ cookies happened! Years of nutritional brainwashing — decades even! — down the drain because some nerdy programmer was probably eating an Oreo when coming up with the name for ‘a small piece of data sent from a website and stored in the user’s web browser while the user is browsing’. Honestly: does that sound like a heart attack waiting to happen to you!?

Therefore, on behalf of the EFIAYDWGTAC and pretty much every living organism on Earth that is sick and tired of being asked — All! The! Fucking! Time! — we would kindly like to request you stop making websites inquire if its users want to accept cookies. Safe to say, the answer is YES! Why? Because we spent decades abusing innocent girl scouts to convince consumers of that fact, and we’d like to keep it that way.

In closing, a word of advice: if you really want people to think about what they’re doing online, you may want to consider calling it AIDS — not cookies.

Looking forward to your reply.

Kind regards,

Ben Van Alboom
Spokesperson for the European Federation of Industrial, Artisanal and — You Don’t Want to Google This — Anal Cookies

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