I SURVIVED GWYNETH PALTROW’S ANNUAL DETOX!
Because I’m STUPID STUPID STUPID, I keep thinking that if only I can eat what GP eats, I’ll have wonderthighs and my hair will turn blonde. Turns out that is not the case. Follow along as I attempt to follow The Annual Goop Detox and find out the results at the end…
DISCLAIMER: I don’t believe in detoxes, actually. I believe in the power of your body to eliminate ‘toxins’ on its own through water intake, sweating, and urinating. I have read all the articles that criticize detoxes — in fact, this is how I came to know about the goop detox; it was being disdained in a most enjoyable article skewering detoxes in the Guardian. On the other hand, I do believe it can be useful to limit your intake of certain processed foods and I’m happy to try new meals regardless of whether they fall into the category of ‘detox’ or not.
INTRO
ABOUT ME
I am an active, busy 29-year-old designer who sometimes works many hours of overtime. I’m socially active as well — a normal week contains at least one lecture, movie, play, or job-related party on top of normal friend stuff like drinks out. I typically cycle or walk to work, I do intensive rock climbing twice a week, and I go to a super sweaty power yoga class once a week. We try to get out for a long hike, walk, or cross-country ski session on the weekends. I eat 75% pescetarian; my boyfriend doesn’t eat meat so I rarely prepare meat at home.
WEAKNESSES
I’m bad at meal planning so in spite of my active lifestyle, I skip all kinds of meals during the day only to binge on whatever is within arm-reaching distance between 4pm and dinner time. Dinner is generally quite late at night because of our crazy hours and tendency to grocery shop on a per-day basis rather then weekly — we only shop for what we can carry ourselves on our bikes. I like to indulge in deserts and snacks that involve chocolate. I’m a certified candy addict. I love cheese. We like to eat out at semi-fancy restaurants often. I can’t resist pork when available.
WHY THIS DETOX?
1. I’m going to Kenya/South Africa in 3 weeks and will potentially be wearing a bathing suit.
2. While there, I know that we’ll be going out for some very good meals that will not be high on the super-healthy scale.
3. This detox looks easy. I mean that it looks like it will have good meals that I’ll find tasty and sustaining, not tasteless and limiting.
4. I’ve cut out things like dairy and grains in the past so I don’t feel like it will be a huge shock to me. Also, I’ve tried GP’s recipes before — I have ‘It’s All Good’ and I’ve really enjoyed the meals she makes.
ALTERATIONS
I will be drinking a cup of coffee in the mornings on this ‘detox’. Also, I will sometimes add a green salad with a sprinkling of nuts and seeds with lunch or dinner if I feel extra hungry. Since I’ve made some of the meals as testers before doing the detox (the Cauliflower ‘Fried Rice’; the roasted Spaghetti Squash) I’m going to replace those with other things from the detox menu.
Here we go…
THE NIGHT BEFORE:
GP, are you goddamned rich?! Of course you are. Fuck. Shopping for your detox killed my bank account, with my food for ONE week totalling in at around $270. I normally budget $350/month for food. HOW DO YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT?
That’s even counting the fact that I already had basic spices & seasonings, coconut oil, flax seeds, oats, nuts, and chia at home. Everything else (and that was a LOT of else) came home with me in a taxi.
After purchasing a thousand cucumbers and all of the vegetables in Loblaws, I set to work filling my fridge with the takings while Jed looked on with thinly veiled skepticism. “Do you promise you’re going to eat all that stuff?” was asked more than once. It’s not that he doesn’t believe in the detox, it’s more that he rightfully can’t balance the cost and effort with the effects. But we’ll show him, right GP?
DAY 1
7:00am
This morning I’m supposed to drink hot lemon water instead of coffee. Yeuch…. I’ve never willingly drank something so pallidly unenjoyable… UNTIL I make my ‘breakfast’ — Godzilla Native Juice. If you’ve ever wondered what would happen if you ran out of food and were forced to ring out the last drops of nutrition from your dishcloth — It’s this juice. I’m normally a huge fan of green juice but this one tested my gag reflex. I vow never to drink hot lemon juice ever again. Plain old water will be fine.
Last night I prepped the kabocha squash (also known as ‘buttercup squash’ in Canada) for roasting, to make the Roasted Kabocha Soup in the morning. Jed popped it in the oven before he went for his run so I could lie in for 20 more minutes. Nevertheless, I still had to wake up earlier than normal to make sure I’d be able to both make breakfast AND lunch AND leave the house without looking like a hag. While the squash finished roasting, I chopped things that I’ve never chopped in the morning: ginger, shallots (I don’t like either scallions or green onions), garlic, etc.
Once the soup was more or less put together, it was onto the juicing of the dandylion. All told I was in the kitchen for an hour and 20 minutes once the cleaning of dishes occurred…
GP, just another couple quick questions: do you have a job? Do you have to get up at the ass-crack of dawn to make sure you can still earn a living? And do you do your own dishes? Because it seems like there is an inordinate amount of preparation, cooking time, and cleaning involved in this detox. PS, I don’t have a dishwasher.
1:00pm
But, no word of a lie, this soup is amazing. I walk to work and by 11:30 I am already hoping it is lunchtime. I drink a peppermint tea and hold out for another hour, at which time I lay into that soup like nobody’s business. This detox is clearly not for those who are reasonably active or those who burn more than 1 calorie per day.
I’ve peed more times today than I have all weekend. I drink 2 more herbal teas and a proverbial s-load of water in the afternoon. I skip afternoon coffee and take an ibuprofen to stave off my caffeine headache.
7:00pm
I leave work and take the streetcar home — I’m eager to make this bahn mi salad. I’m pretty certain it’s not going to be as satisfying as 5-spice pork belly banh mi from Bahn Mi Boys, but at this point in the day pretty much all food sets me to salivating. In theory this recipe is pretty simple to put together, it’s just a lot of chopping, grating, marinating, and waiting.
I put aside half of everything I make in case Jed is hungry when he gets home from his class tonight. Instead of sitting down to eat, though, I get started on making clean granola for breakfast tomorrow. It’s simple to put together, now that I have for the first time in my life bought quinoa flakes, coconut palm sugar and organic unsweetened shredded coconut. I couldn’t find ‘gluten free’ oats anywhere, but I have a sneaking suspicion that oats ARE gluten free in the first place. So ha ha on you, world.
Once the granola is in the oven, I set into dinner like a starving water buffalo. Before 10 minutes are gone, I’ve emptied another setting of salad, pickled carrots/cucumber and chicken onto my plate. I text Jed ‘…you’re eating out, right?’ because there isn’t a speck of bahn mi left for anyone. That was TASTY.
I just took a break from writing to clean the kitchen. DAYUM — I got home at 7:30 and have hardly sat down since then — it’s now 10pm. Jed came home in the meantime and pronounced his approval on the granola, though he questions whether GP cares about Orangutans and their native habitat given the amount of coconut-related products that are called for in this detox. I am wondering whether to haul my ass back to the kitchen to prepare lunch for tomorrow — a buckwheat soba noodle salad — or whether to have a shower and go to bed early and try to do everything in the morning again. Eh, I’ll do it in the morning.
11:00pm
One more cup of tea and glass of water, and I’m down for the night…
OVERALL SENSATION OF WELL-BEING: On a scale of 1:10, I feel pretty 7ish. I am exhausted from all the food prep and clean up, but the meals themselves were delicious. I just feel that I need to eat ALL THE FOOD instead of however much I’m supposed to eat; in other words, I have felt hungry all day. I actually nearly convinced myself that one little piece of bacon wouldn’t hurt anyone while walking home from the streetcar tonight. DAMN YOU BACON.
DAY 2
7:00am
This morning I woke up early again to prepare the soba noodle salad for lunch. Disaster strikes immediately because it is not a good idea to ask me to handle kitchenwares before coffee has been consumed. I indiscriminately pour all the soba noodles to the boiling water, however, they are still wrapped in cute little bunches with blue paper tape. I pick the bundles out of the boiling water and cut off the papers that hold them together, but the noodles are never the same. They clump together and after I estimate they’re done, I spend another 10 minutes separating the clumps from the edible noodles.
This sauce has HOW MUCH GINGER? Oh my god. I have literally an entire cup of chopped ginger and shallots for one noodle salad? Huh. That’s not happening. I scoop out about a 1/4 cup of the mix to use with the dressing and put the rest in the fridge.
I eat my granola and prepare the afternoon snack — the Kore Berry Mint Kiss Smoothie. It’s delicious — it makes a huge amount and I put some in a mason jar for the afternoon and drink the rest immediately.
12:30pm
Lunch is rather uninspiring. It’s my least favourite thing so far. The ginger is not really minced the way it probably should be, so I keep getting chunks of spicy crunch and I’m not enjoy it. I try to pick my way around the dressing and just eat the noodles. It’s kinda meh.
I’m drinking vast amounts of tea to make up for my usual caffeine habit. I love bengal spice tea by celestial seasonings. It makes me feel like I’m drinking chai, but without the caffeine.
7:00pm
When I get home dinner is leftover roasted kabocha soup, which is great. I set to preparing the soup for the following day — Leek and Celery Root Soup — and I’m already dubious. I’m not a fan of leeks and there doesn’t appear to be very much seasoning in this soup. After blending, I taste, and feel that no amount of extra stock or salt will make this better. It’s nearly 8pm so I put the soup in the fridge for tomorrow and walk over to the rock climbing gym for my Wednesday climb. When I get home, I’m so hungry that I eat a salad and some more granola.
OVERALL SENSATION OF WELL-BEING: about a 6.5. I’ve been hungry all day since my lunch was a bust. I’m not hopeful for tomorrow’s lunch either. And I’ve spent another heck-load of hours in the kitchen operating dangerous equipment (i.e. knives) prior to having drank coffee. So. Exhausted.
DAY 3
7:30am
This morning all I have to do is make my breakfast — The Kore Hula Hydrator Smoothie — and pulse some chickpeas into hummus. This proves to be more challenging and time consuming than I anticipated. You see, I have to open a young coconut.
I discover through a quick research that the best way to open a coconut is with a hammer. Obviously. So I cut away the outer husk, grab my hammer and chip away at the top in a circular manner. Once the top cracks off, I pour the juice into a bowl and set to scraping out the meat. It’s more work than I bargained for this morning and after rushing through the hummus, I end up a little late for work.
1:00pm
Lunch is, as anticipated, not wonderful. I eat the soup with a green salad sprinkled with nuts to add some sustenance to the meal. I have a handful of nuts for a snack with the hummus.
6:00pm
After work I’m headed north on the subway to see Miranda July at the Salon, where I somehow prevent myself from drinking wine. The discussion is great and I vow to be as cool as she is one day.
Even though it’s after 9 by the time we get home, I’m really excited to make the Pan-Seared Halibut with Braised Lentils. I bought a large MSC halibut fillet the night before — expensive, but worth it. It turns out to be a super fast and easy meal to make, it tastes delicious — one of the best meals we’ve had this week so far — and the best part is I can use the leftover lentils for the next day’s lunch: Braised Lentil Salad with Roasted Kabocha, Arugula, and Avocado. The only kink is that I used all of the squash in the soup earlier in the week, so I haven’t any left to add to the salad. Oh well.
OVERALL SENSATION OF WELL BEING: between an 8–9. I’m starting to feel like I’m getting in the groove of being prepared for meals. I felt less hungry today even though I didn’t eat much of the soup for lunch. I’ve been doing well on just one cup of coffee in the morning, which I never expected.
DAY 4
7:30am
This morning I’m so happy that all I have to do is make the dressing for my lunch salad and prepare the afternoon’s juice: House Special Native Juice. I am intimidated by all the greenery that’s going in, and in anticipation of not wanting it to taste like rancid dishcloth-squeezings, I add an apple. I don’t feel bad though, since I’m not having squash with my salad at lunch.
1:00pm
It all goes to shit around 12:45 when my colleagues stand up and start looking around for joiners to the weekly Friday ritual of lunch out together. I know that I won’t be able to make tonight’s dinner of Grilled Zucchini Socca Tacos because I’m going to a play after work, so I decide to save my salad until the evening and go out for lunch with everyone. I take a bowl of crab chowder with crumbled saltines and a roast chicken breast on a bun, with mayo. It tastes amazing and I don’t regret it.
4:00pm
In the afternoon, we have an internal meeting where everyone usually drinks beers. I drink my green juice and share with a colleague who’s also not drinking alcohol this week. We both love the juice and I’m sure the apple has a huge role to play in this.
5:00pm
The salad with braised lentils is AMAZEBALLS. I love the combination of flavours. I eat this before heading east to see The Seagull, a play by Chekov. I feel hungry afterwards but because it’s so late, I just have a quick small bowl of granola and head to bed.
OVERALL SENSATION OF WELL-BEING: Again, somewhere around a high 8. I didn’t have to spend that much time in the kitchen today and even though I ate a non-detox lunch, I feel it was justified considering the day’s crazy schedule. I’m disappointed that I didn’t get to make the tacos though. They sound awesome.
DAY 5, VARIATION 1:
8:00am
I can’t believe I’ve made it this far with no real notable cock-ups. Today we get up early because we’re going cross-country skiing with friends, about an hour north of Toronto. I have a lingering headache which I try to make go away with Ibuprofen and my morning coffee. I make us both the morning’s juice: Beet Down Native Juice, which is earthy but surprisingly drinkable (I don’t like beets). I add a little extra lime juice to tone down the beet. I also make us the afternoon’s smoothie: Kore Carrot Cake Shake. Having juiced and blended my way through the morning, I scramble to get my skiing stuff ready and run out the door.
1:00pm
We don’t have lunch, we just eat some nuts (okay, and some Ritter Sport chocolate) for a snack between ski runs. By 3:30 we’ve gone about 13km on the hills and we’re starved. On our way back to the city, we decide to check out Brampton’s #2 rated restaurant for amazing Afghan food.
5:30pm
I skip the rice but gobble up Afghan naan like nobody’s business. I take a chicken qorma (chicken in spicy tomato sauce) which is totally not even close to being detox friendly — no nightshades allowed. On the other hand, I just got walloped on some of the hill-climbs we had to do today and my brain is not thinking clearly. Sorry GP! BTW — we just discovered that you don’t need to go to Brampton to get authentic Afghani Kebob — they have a store on Spadina Ave!
9:30pm
I feel full so I doubt I’ll need another meal tonight. That means I’ve missed out on a full day’s worth of recipes. I’ve decided that I’ll add a day 8 so I can complete everything I’ve missed. I take a hot bath and drink tea and settle down for an evening watching ‘The Fall.’
OVERALL FEELING OF WELL-BEING: 9.5. I feel great today — because of the skiing and sunshine probably, but also the juice and smoothie were both really tasty. The carrot smoothie especially was a great thing to drink after skiing to carry us over until dinner. The only downer was my headache and the guilt I feel at not having stuck to the detox today.
DAY 5, VARIATION 2:
8:30am
It’s Sunday today, which normally means either a big breakfast at home or brunch out. Even though I have farm-raised and fresh butchered thick-cut bacon in my fridge from a local farm, I resist the urge for salty, porky, crispy deliciousness and faithfully pull out the juicer. I have decided to make today a catch-up / reprise day for recipes, and will continue with the normal Day 6 tomorrow.
For breakfast I make the green juice I enjoyed so much the other day — House Special Native Juice. Since it’s Sunday, I also have a generous bowl of granola with almond milk. I drink 1.5 cups of coffee, but make up with 2 large glasses of water. I experience a little bit of gastrointestinal distress from the spicy food last night. DAMN YOU NIGHTSHADES.
1:00pm
I am going to make the Grilled Zucchini Socca Tacos for lunch since I missed out on those from Day 4. I have some chicken breast in my fridge that I want to use up so I cook it in the oven with olive oil, cumin and salt (just like the zucchini in the recipe) in advance. I also decide, since the oven is already on, to make another batch of clean granola for the week ahead. Jed loves it as much as I do.
4:30pm
It’s Superbowl Sunday today. I don’t know anyone else who likes American football amongst my friends so I’m planning to watch at home with a nice, refreshing Kore Berry Mint Kiss Smoothie. It’s not pizza or wings or beer dip, but it’ll have to do.
We usually go rock climbing on Sunday evenings; we leave a bit early so that we can catch the game at 6:30. The weather conspires to foil our plans — it’s a blizzard outside. We walk to the gym and by the time 6:30 rolls around we’ve still got 2 more climbs each to go. Superbowl shmuperbowl. It turns out we can’t watch anyways, as we don’t have cable and no one in Canada is streaming the game for free. Boo, Canada!
7:30pm
I whip up the red lentil soup — the easiest thing! — and make up some more socca tacos to fill the void after a rigorous climbing session. Confession: I did not find garbanzo bean flour so I just used the small corn tortillas we had in the fridge. We usually get them in the import section at the grocery store. 3 tacos and a bowl of soup later, I’m perfectly satiated.
OVERALL FEELING OF WELL-BEING: another 9.5. I had plenty of sleep, got some exercise, and spent all day puttering around between the kitchen and my computer. A perfect Sunday.
DAY 6
7:30am
It is crazy snowy outside. Jed decides to ski to work — amazing! I refuse to eat chia seed “pudding” (i.e. gelatinous grossness; you can’t fool me, I’ve had it before) so I have a bowl of granola and make up my afternoon green juice — Kale in Comparison Native Juice. I have a bit extra and it tastes surprisingly sweet! The fennel is super subtle and very enjoyable. Since the TTC is going to be effed this morning, I decide to walk to work.
12:30pm
I heat up my leftover red lentil soup and eat with a few rice cakes and hummus that I had at work instead of the roasted spaghetti squash (which I made last week as a tester — it’s great!). The soup is perfect for this cold, blustery day and keeps me full until the afternoon’s juice, which I drink with pleasure.
8:30pm
This evening Jed and I go grocery shopping for the week so we don’t get home until after 8pm. I start making the chicken kefta wraps, reserving some without chicken as a vegetarian test option. The chicken I used wasn’t completely defrosted when we got home so I try to ‘double-boiler’ it into a somewhat usable state. It means the chicken is kind of watery so the wraps don’t hold to the skewers, and I end up with a chicken kefta scramble instead. It doesn’t matter; it’s bloody delicious.
I can’t believe GP left out a dressing for this meal; I determine that things would be a little dry without something so I scope a yogurt/tahini dressing from ‘It’s All Good.’ I don’t have sheep or goat yogurt, just regular cow, but it’s just a teensy bit of dairy…
OVERALL FEELING OF WELL-BEING: 9.5+ I loved all my meals today and feel happy that I walked to work even though it was so snowy. I've been going to bed a little earlier and getting up a little earlier each day; don’t know if that’s because the mornings are getting lighter or due to the detox.
Day 7
7:30am
For the finale, I bust out both my juicer and blender this morning to concoct the morning’s breakfast: Strawberry Gingersnap Smoothie. It makes a huge amount, so I give some to Jed and take some with me for an afternoon snack instead of granola. It’s very, very tasty.
12:30pm
Since I had the cauliflower dish last week as a tester, I just take some leftover chicken kefta / salad / dressing that I had last night for lunch. I’m probably eating more of this than I rightfully should but it’s so tasty I can’t help myself.
After work I walk over to Bolt to pick up our bag of produce from Fresh City Farms — inside is more kabocha squash that I’m going to turn into quinoa stuffed kabocha later this week.
7:30pm
For my final meal of the detox, I start making the Thai Curry Soup. It doesn’t take too long and it tastes AMAZING. It’s full of flavor and the beans/peas give it a fantastic crunchy sweetness. I’m happy with just a single serving; it warms me from the inside. Jed gives it two hearty thumbs up, but that could be because he ‘mistakenly’ got some chicken in his bowl…
OVERALL FEELING OF WELL-BEING: 10! I am so proud that I did this week with only minor adjustments and no serious mishaps. Even though I had a few meals that were non-detox and switched some meals around, I didn’t feel that I lost the rhythm of the week since I added an extra day.
Afterglow
So, in the spirit of coming down gently from this detox week, I've ordered a one day juice cleanse from Greenhouse Juice Co. It’s set to arrive tomorrow morning and should be fun! It feels more like a reward than a challenge. After Wednesday, I’m going to continue making some detox meals from GP for lunch and dinner for the rest of the week. I am going to wait until after this week is finished to fully evaluate any visible differences.
No more afternoon slump:
While no one has commented on my physique or skin or hair (I honestly think that is a myth people like to propagate to make themselves feel good about things), I personally feel really great. I haven’t felt exhausted in the afternoons at work like I used to; I have no trouble waking up with my alarm instead of snoozing. I can’t tell if I've lost weight since I don’t use a scale or measure myself like that. Perhaps my pants are fitting a little less tightly, but then again, I wear stretchy jeans most of the time so it’s hard to say.
Detoxing is dang tasty!
What was really incredible to me was how I did not even think about the foods I had cut out. I never had a craving for cheese, bread, grains, potatos, or tomatos. Most of the meals on this detox were well-seasoned and quite tasty; I did alter some of the green juices to add a bit of sweetness but the smoothies were uniformly wonderful.
No hunger!
After the first 3 days, I didn't really experience a feeling of hunger anymore. It was very relieving to know exactly what I was eating at what time, to have everything prepared in advanced. While it certainly took more effort and time to prepare each day, I feel that it was worth it and that meal-planning is a habit I am going to get into from now on.
Things I learned:
I don’t need to eat as much as I thought I did to feel full. Either my stomach shrunk or mentally I was just happy to eat smaller portions because I knew exactly what was coming up next. I think this is also the key to preventing myself from binging after work when hunger hits me the hardest; knowing that I had a recipe already chosen and already shopped for and ready to get going helped keep me focused. When I felt really hungry, I had a little bowl of granola to keep me steady.
It’s good to plan snacks for the times when I need them. Preparing the granola and hummus was dead simple and something I only needed to do once per week. The smoothies and juices take a bit more effort but in general made more than anticipated and were worth the time.
Drinking more water and tea instead of coffee was not the huge transition I thought it would be! I’m really happy to say that I’m down to a small cup of coffee in the morning and feel absolutely fine. This is huge for me — I typically was drinking 3–5 cups throughout the day… for the last 10 years! I thought afternoon coffee would be a really difficult time for me but surprisingly, I didn't have a caffeine headache at all. I’m going to make drinking more water and herbal tea a part of my routine.
All in all, I’m super satisfied with this ‘detox’ and would recommend it to anyone who wants to get in the habit of eating more healthfully. Bon Apetit!
