Learning How to Speak to Myself
The power of my own destructive words and how I am going to fix it.
It is the voice I hear the most often. It’s the voice that screams the loudest when everything else is quiet. It’s the voice that can break me down completely or build me up fully. It’s my own, and sometimes it sucks.
I am not really sure when the self destructive talk began. I cannot recall a specific time it started, which leads me to believe that maybe it has always been this way. Maybe it got worse when I made it to middle school, but it was a full fledged disaster, by the time I began my freshman year of high school. I have never taken the time to figure myself out. I have never been able to take a step back and say, “You suck at this, and that’s ok, but now let’s fix it.”
While I can say that is crucial to reflect on certain habits, learn from mistakes and give yourself uplifting advice, it is also important to know the difference between giving good constructive criticism, and just being flat out rude. I am a complete bitch to myself and it’s sad. I need to stop telling myself horrible things and start learning how to be nice. I need to give myself positive compliments and be more aware of negative things I say. The following are some negative phrases that I have found myself saying over the last five days and what I am going to do to solve the problem.
“I look like crap."
For example: Any time I leave my home, I have to change my outfit a million times. I am not an overly stylish person, and I am not really a girly girl either, however, I do like to be put together. I scramble so much over my silly outfit, that eventually, I run out of time. I run out of the house in a panic because I just wasted thirty minutes, and now I am late.
The sad part is I am not even worried about other people. It’s all me, it’s all in how I feel about myself. I stress out because I am not as confident as I should be. It is perfectly okay to care about what you look like, but I am doing it for the wrong reasons. I need to find that inner confidence that allows me to be happy with my choices, and not allow my thoughts to destroy me.
How to Fix it:
I am now going to pick out my outfit the day before. On days that I know I will have trouble, I need to get my shit together in advance. It sounds like a simple task, but for someone so deep in self destructive habits, little steps are big steps. I have to find something and stick to it. Once the outfit is picked, that’s it, it’s a done deal. I cannot keep second guessing myself and wasting my valuable time. I have to have the confidence to say “dang girl, you cute.” and MOVE ON. I need to build myself up so I am happy with my choices, which will allow me to stick with them, and will inevitably give me more time to do other things.
“I hate my body, my hair, my blah, blah, blah…”
Boy, oh boy. There is nothing worse than hating your appearance. It’s not that I really hate the way I look. I do have some confidence when it comes to my outward image. I love my lips, and I love my eyes, and I really like my butt. Over the last week I have started to become more aware of what I say to myself. I have noticed that EVERY SINGLE TIME I look in the mirror I say at least 3 negative things about myself. “Ew, my hair looks terrible, ugh, my eyes look tired, gross, my skin looks bad.” Once again, it’s because of my lack of self love. Ever since I was little I compared myself to others. I would look at other girls my age and fantasize about having certain features. A better smile, bigger eyes, and cuter toes (yes, really). I have always been told I am cute, and beautiful, but I never seem to believe these people when they tell me. Well it’s time I start believing.
How to Fix it:
No more mean and hurtful words. I am going to make sure I find something I like about my appearance and focus on that before anything else. I am going to look myself dead in the face every morning and say “oh, hey beautiful.” I am going to start searching out things about me that are beautiful until it’s eventually all I see. I have to stop making myself believe that I am not attractive. I have to find all the things I can love about me. Even my cute ugly toes.
“I don’t feel like working out.”
Okay, so maybe this won’t ever change, but still. I sit around and complain about my body. I complain about my clothes. I complain about my lack of energy. This is a totally solvable problem. I have accomplished so much with my weightloss before. I will do it again. I feel so good and proud when I finish a workout, and I LOVE being sore the next day. I have a hard time finding the motivation to actually do it. No more. When I feel good everything falls into place. I have learned that my last failure was most likely due to the way I feel about myself. I needed to work on my self worth if I wanted to really succeed. Well guess what, I am doing it.
How to fix it:
I am ready to be the best version of myself. I know working out will help me get there. It really is simple. I need to workout and I will. I just purchased a workout program and have done it everyday for a week! I am making time for it, I am making myself do it, no more excuses. I have rallied up the people around me to get their support, and I have recruited a couple of people to give me some tough love. I am surrounding myself with people who will encourage me and believe in me.
The time is now. If not, when? I don’t want to wake up when I am 70 and wish I did more. I don’t want to have to battle with my inner demons any longer. I am ready to live the life I deserve. I am beautiful, I am important, and I AM WORTH IT 😁
Check out my other blog posts about my journey towards loving myself❤
Facebook: Amber DeShone