Living on the Dark Side
It’s dark, it’s gloomy, and it’s terrible. I can predict it, I know exactly when it will come, how long it will stay, and how I will feel for the next few days. I have PMDD, and I hate it.
I can only assume majority of people reading, are somewhat familiar with PMS. It may be your own experiences, or you have experienced the wrath from someone else. It’s not fun, and it’s not just being dramatic, it is real life feelings that cannot just be stopped, no matter how hard you try.
I have never really sat down to write exactly how I feel when I am having a “meltdown”.
So here I am.
Today is exactly 9 days before my period. (Ew, I know, but I swear it’s the only time I bring it up.) I woke up today and was happy it was Thursday. I felt pretty well rested, and other than some sore muscles from working out, I was great. Then the smallest, tiniest, thing happens, and it all spirals out of control. I usually don’t notice my short fuse until later in the day. I find myself becoming overly agitated at small things, becoming stressed out easier, and just being short with people who certainly don’t deserve it. When I am feeling extra, whatever, I check my cycle tracker and 10 out of 10 times my “Aunt Flo" is around a week away. I take note and move on. I try to breathe a little deeper, and relax, but sometimes it is almost impossible. Sometimes, even though I am conscious of it, it takes over. I become this emotional mess. I cry, I take things too personally, and I let the littlest things get to me. Sometimes, I even become depressed.
Part of the reason that I started this journey if self-love, was because of my PMDD. I know that sometimes it is out of my control, and I need to figure out every possible way to deal with it. I am so tired of battling with myself every single month. It is exhausting. I am so tired of letting it take over, but I haven’t figured out how to make it stop completely.
I don’t ever talk about this. And it wasn’t until August of last year, that I even put two and two together.
I have dealt with some crazy, emotional, events this past year. Eventually I will write MY story about what happened, but, that is for a different day. I truly thought that I was going through depression. I read all about how common it is to deal with what I was dealing with. But then I noticed that it came in waves. I would be down for 3 days, then back up and fine for a few weeks, then it would repeat. After doing a little bit of research I thought maybe it was PMS, so I downloaded an app to track my cycle. It took just two months for me to confirm that my breakdowns where always at the same times. I continued my research and figured out that there is an extreme version of PMS. I should have went to the doctor much sooner, but without insurance, it was difficult.
It wasn’t until the suicidal thoughts came, that I decided to try and get this figured out. For a full 3 or 4 days I felt like the world was black. There was no color, no good, no love, nothing. I truly convinced myself that my husband felt bad for me and that’s why he married me. I felt my son deserved a better mom, and would actually be happier and turn out better if I were gone. I felt that there was no possible way anyone could really love me, if my own father doesn’t. I felt that all of my friends were just being nice.
I know I was wrong. I know that my husband loves me, truly, truly loves me. I know that I am the best person to be my son’s mom, and a life without me would be terribly sad for him. I know that I have a lot of people, both family and friends, that DO love me, not because they have to, because they just do. I know that right now, I have a list of people I could call, and they would drop everything if I needed them. I know this. And that is how I knew something was very wrong. I was scared. I was terrified to tell anyone other than my husband. I felt that once my feelings were out, then things would become real. I had to accept that I wasn’t ok, and even harder, I had to accept that not being ok, was ok.
I am not ready to open up about the details, but all it took was a text message. MY TRIBE STEPPED UP, and we figured it out. I got my shit together, got insurance, and went to the doctor. It was then that she confirmed, PMDD. The treatment for this is actually difficult. She basically had 2 suggestions. One, I could take an anti-depressant for 2 weeks, then stop for 2 weeks, or two, I could just try an figure out ways to get through it.
Let me just say that I am not against medication. I am all for it. They have these medicines to help people live a normal life, they help people see a light at the end of a long dark tunnel. For me though, I want another baby. I want to grow our family by one more, and those medications and pregnancy would not work for me.
So, option 2 it is. I am figuring it out. I am learning how to handle it. I am reaching out to people, I am acknowledging it, I am preparing for it. I haven’t made it to where I want to be, not even close, but I have stopped the suicidal thoughts. I have taken more time to appreciate, and be grateful. I am slowly learning how to love myself. It won’t always be pretty, but it’s not meant to be. Life cannot be easy ALL of the time.
It’s ok to not be ok…
Facebook: Amber DeShone