Why Not St. Louis?

St. Louis is starting to get overrun with what I lovingly refer to as “West County Types”. To the extent I’ve contributed to this, with my idyllic depictions of life in South City, I feel that I owe it to you to let you in on some true facts. Please read carefully and decide if city living is right for you:

  • Police gun down people on a daily basis.
  • You can pretty much count on getting robbed once a month.
  • The city government is infested with criminals. The only thing that keeps them from screwing up the place any further is that they’re also wildly incompetent*.
  • Aggressive panhandlers demand spare change at all hours of the night. Some will even break into your house and stand by your bed asking for money for bus fare or a mysterious “car that ran out of gas”. The police are too busy gunning people down to stop them.
  • If you went to high school somewhere impressive, most people won’t give a shit**.
  • There have been riots going on nonstop for the past two years.
  • Rats! Rats! Rats!
  • Relatedly, there’s been a typhus outbreak. With summer fast approaching, the unclaimed corpses are beginning to smell. It’s only going to get worse.
  • The public schools are a complete mess. Alternatives to the typical public schools are expensive or difficult to get into. Or both. If you don’t make the lottery for the school of your choice, you’ll have to make some hard decisions.
  • If you have any friends in St. Charles county, you’ll probably never see them again.

* God help us if a competent criminal finds a way into city hall.

** As someone who went to public school in Oklahoma, this is actually a big “pro”. But if you went somewhere like Burroughs, don’t expect to drop that into conversation and have people swoon. Although they might ask if you know Jon Hamm.

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