Fern, Fern, Fern, Fern, Peak.

New Zealand, a country below the arse end of Australia has long suffered the indignity of a flag that looks almost identical to its rival, Australia. Australia is a loud, brash country, known for surf, sun and a ‘white Australia’ ethos that endured into the 1960s. New Zealand is known for being close to Australia and for hobbits, epic scenery and a rugby team that does a wee glee song and dance routine before getting all sweaty and personal with other countries. New Zealand mostly scuttles along at Australia’s heels, like a piece of loo paper stuck to a shoe. Australians aren’t very bothered by New Zealand although they would probably be grateful if New Zealand was a little closer and appealing to boat-borne asylum seekers as the Nauru solution is going a tad pear shaped. New Zealand however, is very much bothered by Australia because like an elder sibling they don’t notice New Zealand enough and at most will say ‘New Zealand? It’s like Tasmania but smaller, right?’

Recently, John Key, a chap with a patchy memory and penchant for pony tails who happens to be New Zealand’s Prime Minister, announced that it was high time New Zealand considered getting a flag that looks a little less like Australia’s. He’s miffed that he’s been photographed ‘countless’ times with the Australian flag behind him, and says that Australia’s Prime Minister, Tony Abbot, has ‘nearly’ been photographed with New Zealand’s flag behind him. It’s unclear whether John Key gets quite as much photo action (other than selfies with his son) as he claims, but no doubt there has been the odd mix up. Ironically, I think Tony Abbot would like a new flag too — preferably the stars and stripes, and he would probably be happy to give New Zealand Australia’s flag. The U.S doesn’t really need a flag as they don’t travel outside of their own country and have no need to sew one on their backpacks and their sports teams don’t play other countries so they don’t need to wave one at events. Unfortunately, no throw your flag in the bowl and see who gets what party occurred. Instead of the appealing frugality of a flag swap meet, New Zealand opted to spend millions on getting a brand new design.

A flag referendum process was born and a committee was put together because it’s widely known that forming a committee is the very best way to achieve a brave, forward thinking result. Their role was to choose a long list and short list of designs for New Zealanders to vote on. Curiously there were no designers on the committee, but there was Julie Christie. She’s responsible for bringing such reality television gems such as DIY Rescue and Treasure Island to New Zealand’s screens and for ousting the only show that offered in-depth reporting. With taste and values like that on hand what could possibly go wrong?

The mildly diverting process was all going ok until the final four flag options were announced. You see the problem with committees is that anything other than mediocrity gets throttled. Decisions become a ticking the boxes exercise. Out of a line-up of many interesting options the committee chose three variations on a theme and one slightly different option. They chose clip art over design in the condescending belief that New Zealanders were too simplistic to cope with an abstract design.

Ferns, in various states of development were chosen for all four flag options. John Key said he wanted a fern and so did Richie McCaw, the captain of the national rugby team who is considered a bit more important than John Key, and is doing great work for growth of New Zealand’s LGBT community by inspiring homoerotic thoughts in previously heterosexual blokes. The committee jumped at the fern decree. It’s not clear what the appeal of a fern is. I know that at parties I’ve been to it’s a totally different type of leaf that draws together people and if we put one of those leaves on a flag the New Zealand houses at an Olympic Village would certainly pull a crowd.

The announcement of the final four options caused howls of dissent. Too similar was the main issue and indeed two options are so alike they appear to be brothers where one curiously has the same coloured hair as the milk man. One design that failed to make the cut stood out to many as an option they would vote for. A grass roots campaign started to promote the inclusion of the Red Peak option — a simple design with a red triangle bordered in white, with blue and black at either side. “No”, said the committee. “It’s not going to happen. New Zealanders struggle with abstract designs.” What the committee with vision so bad they should have gone to specsavers failed to understand is the value of an abstract design, and how it can mean many things to different people — far more than a fern could.

As a New Zealander here are a few things I see when I see the abstract design of the Red Peak flag. I see New Zealand giving an upraised finger to the French for daring to come to our shores and bomb the Rainbow Warrior. I see New Zealand standing strong, smelling the uranium on the breath of the world and saying no to nuclear energy. I see Sir Ed, scaling a mountain and helping create opportunity for children in a far off country. I see Helen Clark saying ‘up you’ to the Israeli spies who tried to steal a mute tetraplegic’s New Zealand passport to travel on. I see Beth Heke, standing legs astride and seething through gritted teeth, “You’re not going to hurt my babies anymore.” I see a New Zealand growing up and cutting the corgi leashes of Britain, extracting ourselves from Australia’s shoe tread and forging our own trajectory. I even see a rugby scrum, solidly pushing forward. Mostly I see a strong New Zealand I identify with and am immensely proud to be a part of. Isn’t that what a flag is supposed to evoke? When I look at the other four options I see a fern and stars. Some may argue they represent New Zealand but they aren’t flexible enough to represent my New Zealand.

My plea to New Zealanders who read this is to sign the petition that asks for the Red Peak design to be included in the vote. Sign, even if you don’t like it or plan on voting for it. Do it because the process sucked. Do it because the panel choices sucked. Do it because the panel says you’re too dumb to understand an abstract design. Do it because you’re a New Zealander and we don’t just go with the flow. Do it because we shouldn’t just do what John and Richie say, no matter how attractive you may find Richie’s totara tree trunk of a neck. Do it so we have a chance of an outcome that will give New Zealand something quite different to Australia’s flag. If you’re not a New Zealander then take a long look at the Red Peak design. You’ll be seeing it sewn on back packs and waved at sporting events in the coming years, whether it makes it through this referendum process or not. For the first time our young country has something that’s all ours to be proud of.

Sign the petition here: https://www.change.org/p/prime-minister-john-key-red-peaks-for-new-zealand-flag