Living in Alignment
A little over a year ago, I shut down my second business. It’s only as I’m writing this that I realise it was actually my second business as the first didn’t seem quite like work. Back then I was running a small photography studio in Lagos but I was creating art and to my mind that just didn’t “qualify” as work. This is a great segue into exploring the thing that would go on to serve as the chain around my metaphorical ankles from the time I began my career journey in earnest 11 years ago – the all elusive search for “Purpose”. More on this later.
At Uni I started off confused AF, and spent the next decade spiralling even deeper into confusion. I chose Politics and International Relations for my Bachelors degree because I got good grades in GovPol at A Levels. Nothing more, nothing less. Those 3 years at Uni I was barely treading water keeping my head just above the surface and only just managed a 2'1 in the end. Not because I wasn’t intelligent or capable of a First, I honestly was just confused AF the whole time. I can only say I felt a bit aligned during French classes and studying “World Politics” in my 3rd year when I learned about Chavismo. (Story for another day).
Leaving Uni I knew I had no interest in pursuing politics as a career and had since picked up a camera, learning some tricks of the trade from my filmmaker older brother. After handing over the degree I had earned to fulfil all righteousness (no really, I’m of course grateful but I was confused AF!), I convinced the parentals to give me the chance to pursue things I actually loved — learning languages (French at the time) and photography. So off I went to Nice in the Cote D’Azur to learn the language for 3 months and then to Paris to study photography for another 8 months.
Around this time there was this palpable air of possibility around the creative industry in Nigeria and around the world really. Everyone was pursuing their dreams and setting themselves up to live their best lives! We were photographers, artists, designers, filmmakers, content creators, actors (and some still are! *insert massive applause*) It was a year of “great return” for us diaspora babies and it genuinely felt like the sky was the limit. I eventually returned to Lagos and set up TFK Photography where I primarily shot for fashion brands and magazines, as well as creating my own pieces and even hosting a solo exhibition. It was the best of times, but quickly also became the worst of times.
Growing up privileged in a developing nation can be a bit of a mindfxck. Yes you’re grateful for everything you have but if like me, you come from mindful and excessively humble parents, it also means a lot of the time you’re racked with guilt that isn’t actually yours to bear. I say this now with the benefit of hindsight but growing up that was just my perception of reality. That I was constantly guilty and undeserving of everything I had because why do most other people not have these things, and what makes me more “worthy” than them?
This ultimately led to me putting the kibosh on my photography career because the work felt completely self serving. “Oh hey! Look at me! I made art and I’m important! The business really only benefits me but hey! I made art!” This is literally how I began to view myself the second my work started gaining 2% momentum. I literally stopped cold, claiming I needed to “regroup” *rolls eyes* when really I was judging myself through a ridiculous paradigm that would go on to limit me in many other ways over the next few years. With this thinking in mind I went back to the drawing board and thought okay, you weren’t given all this privilege for nothing. The experiences you’ve had, the network you’re exposed to, it all has to count for something for the greater good. (We’ll get into the “Saviour Complex” of it all some other time)
When it came to politics, I had always been interested in socio-economics and why countries like mine that are so resource rich and abundant should have some of the highest poverty rates in the world. I became fascinated with social enterprise and began learning about companies like Wave Academies & Generation Enterprise, or impact-driven for-profit companies like Reel Fruit and Simply Green Juices where I ultimately ended up working as Business Development Manager for a year.
Between those two types of business models, I thought the Agribusiness route suited me more. I mean, I was racked with guilt but still understood that money was a necessity. I just wanted to make money in a way that a tonne of other people got to make money and lead better lives right alongside me. This wasn’t just a basic desire; this, I decided, was my PURPOSE. The entire reason I grew up in privilege, my raison d’etre!
Thus, Sari Teas was born. A handcrafted herbal tea brand, 100% organic and locally sourced, supporting African herb farmers (largely underrepresented in the Agriculture industry), with a particular focus on female smallholder farmers. There it was; my perfectly conceptualised and neatly defined purpose!
It was a tumultuous 5 years birthing and eventually burying this dream but as they say, the lessons are irreplaceable. In the months leading up to the closure I asked myself some very confronting questions. The first thing I did was look at the money. In the 5 years I’d been running the business I would pay myself whatever was left over; most months that was nothing but if I was lucky, maybe ~$120. The idea of not paying my staff was inconceivable and so at the very least I’m proud to say it never once came to that. My staff were always compensated for their crazy hard work, every month and on time. But clearly this was not sustainable because even as a dream it was always, pay myself well, and others too. The pay myself well part was not happening and I needed to be realistic about how possible it was that it ever would.
So I had a meeting with my accountant and said to her, show me in the numbers what we would need to do to break even and to make profit. To break even we would need to do about 10x the monthly sales we were doing assuming the dollar stayed around 600:1. Hmmm, hurdle one. Okay let’s look at costs; nope, no wiggle room there. There was no fat left to trim. Then I asked myself the most important question of all; if someone offered me $1m to put everything we needed in place to make this thing work, would I continue building it? The answer was a resounding, unequivocal N-O.
That singular question made me realise that the daily grind, the little things, the cogs of the machine, were the bane of my existence. I HATED the work of building this company and only felt a tinge of joy (still mixed with anxiety) at the sight of a big credit alert, which had become seasonal in line with holidays such as Eid or Christmas. If I didn’t love the journey of building the thing, it wasn’t generating an income for me, and it wasn’t proving massively beneficial to the people I had intended to support out of poverty, what was the point? That was when I knew.
Clichés are cliché for a reason so here’s one for good measure – You can’t pour from an empty cup! I was incredibly drained and at the end of my tether. Now don’t get me wrong, I believe in hard work. I always say, if someone is chopping life*, someone is working hard. It could be you, a parent, a spouse, a lover, but someone somewhere is working damn hard to provide that lifestyle. In my case, I always knew it ultimately had to be me because there are few things I value more than my freedom, so it became clear to me that this was not the way to go in this singular iteration of life that I have. I don’t believe you have to love every aspect of what you do, but I do believe you can love most of it and still be a hardworker and a success.
There were several other moving parts in my life that led to what felt like a complete crash when I made that final decision to shut down the business. My health was extremely poorly for reasons beyond my control; my staff had become a little family and I knew how blessed I was to have found them in this climate where good workers seem impossible to hire, so letting them go was incredibly heartbreaking; I was in the middle of a big move from one country to another; it was, to say the very least, a LOT. So on the advice of a very wise friend, I took 3 months off to just be. I do acknowledge there is a HUGE privilege in being able to do this, but I no longer believe in not leaning into that privilege when I can.
In that time I discovered (and continue to discover) a good many things which I will share over time through this newfound outlet of mine but for this entry what I particularly want to highlight, over the pursuit of a rigid and defined purpose, is the importance of alignment . When I started Sari Teas I made 2 mistakes. One was deciding what my purpose is in life, and the other was mistaking an interest or passion for my career path without deep-diving into what would actually allow me to earn in a state of flow and as a consequence serve others with ease— alignment.
What I have since discovered is that in reality you don’t really get to choose your purpose. We live life, whether we realise it or not, as archeologists; slowly excavating in order to reveal. You may think your purpose is this one thing that society has classified as noble and an ideal north star to have, but in reality your impact is defined by those you’ve imprinted on through the course of your unique discovery of self. Thus your ultimate purpose is defined for you, not by you.
The most pivotal thing I’ve done that has influenced how I view and experience life is engaging the services and expertise of therapists and coaches. Even though I came to that crystallising moment myself that running a manufacturing business — which is what Sari really was — was not in fact the same as being a lover of health and herbal teas, my career coach reinforced this idea by showing me that contrary to a lot of the punchy “how to be successful” authors and thought leaders of the last few decades, you don’t actually have to feel like you’re swimming against the tide to live the life you truly want. There is in fact a world in which you lean into your strengths, natural gifts and unique circumstances (accepting your privilege for example) and ultimately live in alignment.
Almost everything you think is a flaw or a seemingly inconsequential ability you have, works to your advantage in the right context. I was totally out of alignment with my true, personal values and skill set and was rather leaning into the ones I had acquired along the way from childhood into my twenties, and the labels society celebrates like “Young Female African Entrepreneur”, a desire for which I fell victim. This caused me to become overwhelmed with impostor syndrome and it wasn’t until I found myself on the career path I’m on now, informed by what is true to me, that I truly started to experience an ease and flow to life that I had always longed for. Now working as a Digital Project Manager at a global agency where I get to work with people from all over the world, applying my natural skills of organisation, communication and creativity, while developing myself as a Brand Strategist & Designer simultaneously; for the first time on this adulting journey I feel free, happy and absolutely aligned. I’ve come to realise that the ways I imagined I could have a positive impact on other people’s lives was so limited, and that when I am aligned in my own life, I am a wellspring of positivity and high value for others in many more ways than just monetary.
If I carry on here this post will never come to an end so I think this is a good place to stop. My aim with the subsequent stories in this publication will be to continue this conversation, share the things I’ve learned that have truly massively impacted my life for the better and hopefully, learn from those of you who engage with my content as well. I am an eternal learner in constant pursuit of happiness (where happiness = contentment, freedom and ease), and I think somewhere deep down that’s what most of us want. I also think the more of us that have it, the better our world can be. So with this platform I hope to play my tiny part in building a community of happy, healthy humans! And on that note I ask you, what are your unique values (not morals, but what you actually value and want out of life) and are you living in alignment?
See you next week!
F
*Chop in Nigerian pidgin English means eat, and the phrase “chopping life” literally means eating (see: enjoying) life
