Is it hard to say goodbye?
Recently I was thinking a lot about saying goodbyes to friendships, loved ones, coworkers, and just random people, and how it was always easy for me. Don’t think that I’m bragging here, though.
Sometimes I would be surprised and even scared a bit by the fact how it’s effortless for me to end any kind of relationships. For example, before moving across the continent me and one of my best friends at the time got into the argument, which led to the ending the friendship. Was I sad? Of course, for a day or so, but was I destroyed by it or cried about it? Surprisingly not.
The way I think about any kind of this situations, when two people decide to go in different directions, is that it was done for a reason and it might be for the best. I believe that being grateful for all the experiences with that person, good or bad, doesn’t really matter, is the way to move on faster. I’m glad to have anyone in my life as well as somehow there’s something in me that believes that it’s always a positive experience. You either learned something through it, either just had some good time together, but it doesn’t mean that it would stay this way forever. So I just usually wish them the best and move on with my life. And that’s it, easy.
However, I have always wondered what if it’s so hard for people to say “goodbye” to something just because they’re afraid? Afraid of how it’s going to be for them without that specific person. So they go in the struggle of denial of new reality. There’s nothing wrong with that at all. It’s pretty natural.
Let’s take a look at the worst possible life situation — sudden death. There’re several stages of grief over someone you cared about, and denial is one of them. However, some people may be stuck at that stage for a really long time, when it even may start affecting their life and surroundings in a very negative way. In the last two years, I lost several people, and let me tell you, the denial phase is the trickiest one. During it, your brain simply doesn’t realize the changes, new reality, and tries to convince itself that everything is the same as it was. It’s hard for it to figure out the new way to live and to act, when it was used to very specific scenarios. It takes time to adapt for it to other ways of thinking and accepting the fact of the loss. Same with ending any kind of relationship, but, usually, not in the same depths, of course. So how to adapt yourself to a new road?
One of the best way to do it — surround yourself with people who will listen. But! Yep, here’s that part: try to remember about good things or things you have learned from the entire experience. Sometimes talking out loud all of it may help to get over it. However, remember, that the position of the listener is really important and this person can’t be the one, who will trigger your anger or sadness even more than it actually is. Don’t pick a persona with the known history of the great angry trasher aka commentator. It’s not a best match for a proper healing over someone process. Yes, it’s cool in movies, when two friends get drunk together and burn all the things of their exes or find an even more cruel way of revenge like destroying the car, but in real life — not so much. Even though it’s important to remember how and why things ended, chewing your angry gum over and over again wouldn’t be a great help to it. This’s why you need to be picky to whom you’ll complain about the situation. Eventually, they’re going to be the ones who show you the way out of the denial. Great person for this role is therapist or friend, who can nod a lot and say things like: “Yep, good it ended, and this is what you learned”.
Another thing to remember, that from time to time you might want to come back to where you were. And that’s okay. Just analyze if it worths it or not. Spoiler alert — usually not. Sometimes with a rare exception, it’s possible to come back to the person, nonetheless, it’s important to remember to be really rational about it and not expect that everything will be the same way. It will not be and you need to be ready for it. As one of my friends always says, emotions sometimes are overrated, just think about it in a more cold-blooded way so you wouldn’t make the same mistakes over and over again. Change of heart might sound nice, but in reality, it might hurt not only you but another person as well. So think about it not only twice, but three times. At the end of the day, it’s your life and you know who is better be in it or not.