This was a good read. You and your mom are beautiful people. We all have problems. We all have to live in this world. It is a gift to be here for this small window of time. You have Individuated from your mom. You are good now. You are safe. Go see your mom. The best thing you can give her is your time. It doesn’t have to be the perfect visit. Don’t let Perfect be the enemy of an ‘average’ visit. Average is good enough.