Olympic Prize Winning Fools?
Upon hearing the news that Breakdancing were to make its debut at the 2024 Summer Olympics, I’m sure I weren’t the only bod to think, “Well that’s fucking ridiculous.”
How on earth did street dance, that literally came from the street….
….end up in the modern Olympic Games or the Olympics (French: Jeux Olympiques) the leading international sporting event featuring Summer and Winter sports competitions in which thousands of athletes from around the world participate in a variety of competitions?
I imagine being taught the discipline in nice shiny dance studios helps. What next? Parkour lessons?
Oh for fuck’s sake.
Anyway, how on earth did one of the 5 Pillars of Hip Hop end up slumming it with the likes of Dressage and Beach Volley Ball?
I’m old enough to remember would-be Breakers would grab a ghetto blaster loaded with the freshest tunes, a mahoosive piece of cardboard (or lino if you were White collar) and go into town to perform in front of a not necessarily adoring public. They would risk ridicule from the town tramp, or, if they lived in the East Mids, risk having to, “take the shame and go,” from a dope Boogalooing Bobby on the beat. No springy dance floors then.
Although, I mustn’t grumble, even though I have been, as Breakdance and Breakdance culture has also inspired tons of films, such as Breakdance and its sequel, Breakdance: The Quickening. So, in the Olympic spirit, why don’t we look at some films that could’ve been Breakdance films (often starring characters called Dougie and/or Dee), but weren’t, shall we?
Invasion of the Bee Girls
What the film could’ve been about:
The Bee Girl Crew (TBGC) has mad dance skills but are banned from their local yoof club by Dougie, leader of rival The Bee Boy Crew (TBBC). Not long after, an evil property developer buys up a chunk of the neighbourhood and earmarks the yoof club for demolition. Dougie overhears the property developer boasting he used to, “Bust some moves back in the day,” and challenges him to a battle for the yoof club. Following a double cross, with the property developer hiring a professional b-boy crew to do battle, plus TBBC mysteriously coming down with the shits, Dougie is forced to go head spin cap in hand and ask Dee, leader of TBGC, to save the yoof club. Meanwhile the property developer tells Dougie he must forfeit the battle as his crew can’t dance, however quickly changes his mind when he discovers TBGC will dance for the yoof club. The sexist property developer says, “Girls breaking? One will find that shit is wack.”
Tagline: They rock yellow and black trackies. Battle The Bee Girls and you will get stung.
What the film was actually about:
“A powerful cosmic force is turning Earth women into queen bees who kill men by wearing them out sexually.” — IMDB
Breaker Morant
What the film could’ve been about:
Dougie Morant is a world famous b-boy, however after some random blood tests he is diagnosed with a life threatening condition that means if he dances again it could kill him and throw his Gazelles into retirement. However, elsewhere, after some random blood tests, Dougie’s mum is diagnosed with a terminal illness and only a miracle operation can save her. Neither Dougie nor his mum has the funds to cover the operation, however the prize money for the world’s biggest Breakdance competition ‘Coastal Breaks,’ would.
Tagline: If he dances he could die, if he doesn’t dance his mum will. Tough Break.
What the film was actually about:
“Three Australian lieutenants are court martialed for executing prisoners as a way of deflecting attention from war crimes committed by their superior officers.” — IMDB
The Windmill Massacre
What the film could’ve been about:
An evil property developer comes to the town of Page, chucks some cash at some corrupt councillors and gets Breakdancing banned. The yoof club is scheduled to host the region’s premier event, ‘Page Breaks,’ however the local b-community now face having to cancel the event knowing it could spell disaster for the yoof club and the town. Luckily, the eagle eyed aging b-girl and yoof club caretaker, Dee, spots that the extremely detailed ban has omitted a specific Breakdance discipline.
Tagline: They’re spinning to save the town.
What the film was actually about:
“Seven tourists with troubled pasts find themselves trapped at a satanic mill in rural Holland. As they’re attacked for their sins one by one, the night becomes a fight for survival.” — IMDB
Hellzapoppin’
What the film could’ve been about:
Dougie Wonderland is European Body-popping champ two years in a row and in his car rushing to get to this year’s final to secure a hat trick. Dougie’s girlfriend, Dee, warns him to slow down, however he ignores her and his Subaru ends up in a ditch. Weeks later Dougie is in hospital with a girlfriend in a coma knowing it’s serious. Dougie finds himself praying, “Please don’t let her die. I’ll do anything, just please don’t let her die.” A mysterious figure suddenly appears offering to help. Dougie, reading the smartly dressed man’s business card, asks, “B L Zeebub. Is that Polish or something?”
Tagline: Dougie is about to find out if the Devil really does have the best Breakdance tunes.
What the film was actually about:
“Olsen and Johnson, a pair of stage comedians, try to turn their play into a movie and bring together a young couple in love, while breaking the fourth wall every step of the way.” — IMDB
I, Robot
What the film could’ve been about:
So, there’s an evil property developer….
Tagline: Can a robot takeover save the day?
What the film was actually about:
“Will Smith slaps shit outa someone called I Robot. Far out” — IMDB
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