Why I Can’t Be a Leader: Lack of Vision

I remember struggling to see the packed notes on the whiteboard back in Ms Loomis’ 8th grade American history class. I’d ask Melissa to borrow her glasses. She was nice. I haven’t talked to her in years, but I think she’s still nice. I wouldn’t be surprised.

I can’t see far with my naked eye. I need glasses. My prescription is a paltry 2.50/2.50, but without it, I can’t read the words I write on my laptop screen.

I can’t see far into my life — I don’t know where I’m going. I don’t know what I’m doing. I can see the next few minutes, and even then, I don’t know if I’ll stick to what I have to do. Sometimes I’ll tell myself that I’ll work for a solid hour, but in the next five minutes I’m on my phone. Maybe a lot of people have trouble finishing what they start, can’t see things from end to end, or go to bed with unfinished projects due in the morning. Maybe a lot of people feel like if they were a superhero their powers would include speed-walking abnormally fast, wasting an infinite amount of time, and repeating the same mistakes they’ve been making since middle school. It doesn’t feel like it though.

I haven’t found something worth pursuing. “Yeah, that’s my problem”, I tell myself. “If only there was a noble and sustainable cause to keep me going, right?”

No, I don’t believe it. People talk about passion and following passion, but passion is an inside-out kind of thing. Passionate people are passionate. They can’t help but be passionate. I’m a one-night stand kind of passionate. I’ll work out really hard for a month and then lose my passion the rest of the year. I’ll go to church every day for a few months, and then I’ll lose my passion. I’ll start programming, writing, reading, or songwriting for a week or two, and I’ll walk away looking at my phone screen. Most of the year, I’m not a passionate person. I’m a look-at-my-phone-every-thirty-seconds/please-like-my-posts person.

I’m lost because I’m walking forward without a goal. I’m being dragged by time while my head is still stuck in elementary school. Time never relents, so I close my eyes and walk. As humans, when we walk with our eyes closed, we end up going in circles. Seriously. We can’t help it. Try it sometime. Go out into an open field, close your eyes, and walk straight. Our bodies and minds suck at holding onto a straight path without being able to see where we’re going. I can barely do it with my eyes open.

I feel like I have two options then: open my eyes or keep making crop circles in an open field.

If I ever open my eyes, I might not see what I like. I’ll be ashamed, afraid, and distraught while I see everyone else miles ahead of me. I may never find a cause worth pursuing. I’ll inevitably see the worst parts of humanity, mainly inside of myself. I’ll see the unfruitful cycles of passion over and over again for short term gains and long term disappoint.

Yeah, true, but maybe it’ll be because I’m passing by those sights for the last time. Maybe I won’t circle back. Maybe I’ll ask someone to hold my hand, bear with my insecurities, and borrow their glasses.