The 2016 U.S. Presidential election

A foreigner’s take on the most entertaining shitshow of the year.

The United States Presidential election will be held in about 2 and a half days.

An almost 2-year long campaign will be over and i’ll be damned if I won’t miss it.

Following US politics has been one of my primary hobbies for the last 10 years. It started to rise to an unhealthy level back in 2008 during the Obama-Clinton primaries and, after that, the Obama-McCain general election. I can vividly recall yelling fuck you to a picture of John McCain shown on CNN just minutes after the race was called for Obama.

This already perverted interest became a full blown obsession by the start of the 2012 campaign.

As I was fueled by late night talk-shows, message boards and my honest to god deep belief in leftist economic policies, I spent the better part of a year checking the Gallup poll every morning before breakfast.

The fuck you that I screamed at Romney after Ohio was called for Obama was louder than the one I yelled 4 years earlier.

I was already feeling nostalgic though, as i couldn’t believe that I had to wait 4 more years for another presidential election. You know, the same feeling you get after the end of a World Cup.

By June 2015 the heavy favorites to get their respective parties’ nominations were Hillary on one side, and money-backed Jeb Bush on the other.

Donald Trump entered the presidential race coming down from an automatic golden escalator accompanied by his mail-order bride from Slovenia.

Not even an hour in and Mexicans were all rapists. Some of them might be not.

The joke candidate is in and everyone is laughing at him.

The debates, the personal attacks, the unashamedly unfiltered mouth that spews out whatever his brain mumbles up.

The conservative candidates were aghast. They couldn’t believe it.

They couldn’t believe that the joke candidate raped and murdered their pathetic campaigns.

The wealthy donors were astonished.

The presumptive nominee is someone who wants to raise taxes on the rich?

What the hell?

Did the Republican party say goodbye to our retarded brand of conservatism?

How could this be?

It’s pretty simple. The white lower-class voters couldn’t give a flying fuck about trickle-down economics.

Or balancing the budget.


They wanted a nationalist, populist and anti-PC candidate and when they found him they didn’t let him go.

Seeing smiling kochsucking fuckfaces getting crushed by the monster they created was immensely funny.

And the memes, my god, the memes. Some of the most hilarious shit i’ve ever seen or read.

On the other side, the boring and hawkish feminist nightmare clinched her party’s nomination by defeating the well-liked atheist socialist Jew Bernie Sanders.

She was supposed to be inevitable in 2008. This time around she made sure nothing could get in her way.

Donald J. Trump was a Republican, then a Democrat, and then a Republican. And then a Democrat.

And then a nationalist conservative. And then he won the Republican nomination.

And then, in order to try to satisfy his insatiable thirst for fame and recognition, he sold his political soul to the devil.

See, Trump couldn’t possibly defeat a democratic candidate without his party’s strategical and financial support.

And no matter how many votes he managed to take home, the entire logistical and financial structure of the Republican party did not change hands.

Just before the RNC it was obvious that the voters wanted Trump but the party didn’t.

And so he “pivoted”…

His choice of Pence as his running mate was a sell-out move to pander to both the Republican bigwigs and the religious voters still undecided about voting for a billionaire from NYC who marries supermodel after supermodel.

It was a smart strategical move for him, that is beyond any doubt.

But the anti-globalist candidate was no longer.

The core substance of his platform completely changed and realigned itself to the one that the GOP had back in 2012.

He slowly got more and more support from fellow Republicans.

Senator Ted “El Rato” Cruz was Trump’s main foe during the primaries.

He fought hard, but his punchable face gained him very few fans against Trump.

He also took a lot of abuse.

In what I’d call the defining moment of this election, Trump tweeted an unflattering picture of Cruz’s already ugly wife next to a picture of his smoking-hot Slovenian supermodel wife.

Trump defended this tweet by telling CNN’s Anderson Cooper that “He started it!”

On September 23, 2016 Senator Ted Cruz endorsed Donald Trump for President.

Trump started to backtrack on everything that he campaigned on.

He was now spouting same old republican mantra to try and convince establishment conservatives that he was their candidate. But the tone didn’t change. He kept using is celebrity status, charisma and mass appeal to cover his mistakes.

Clinton was (and is and forever will be) oh so very far from that.

Possibly the worst presidential campaigner since the dawn of man, Clinton tried to stay away from rallies and interviews (she’s still doing it).

Her health a serious concern, she kept media appearances to a bare minimum.

A shady woman with no people skills, Hillary smartly avoids human interactions. Cold and calculating, she knows that too much media exposure can damage her.

She is currently campaigning on moving forward the Obama agenda.

I don’t believe her. Focus will shift from financial regulations to cutting public sector jobs without incentives for private businesses to hire. Unions will receive another hit.

She will definitely be a move to the right, but at least not to the insane asylum that is trickle-down economics.

She’ll also be a move to the right on foreign policy.

A quasi-2000s Republican, or quasi-warmonger if you will.

Still… at least no nuclear launch codes in the hands of a 6-year old child.

Given this quite generic assessment of the political positions of the two candidates I would like to say that the reason why this election season is so entertaining is that nobody gives a shit about politics.

It’s the scandals, the idiotic ready for consumption surprises that stimulate website clicks and television audiences.

The stupidest and most idiotic ones are of course the allegations that Trump is a serial rapist, all coming after the leaking of a random hot mic tape taken while he was chatting with George W. Bush’s cousin on a bus.

Feminists, nu-males, cuckolds and religious hypocrites alike were united.

It’s hypocrisy time!

He flip-flops every fucking minute. Polls go up!

He wants to deport brown people. Polls go up!

He mocks disabled people. Polls go up!

He tells the truth about rich people fucking whomever they want in a leaked tape? His campaign is doomed, let’s replace him with evolution-denier Pence.

Clinton’s email scandal came back a week or so ago but the race was already tightening.

After a series of polls showing Trump within the margin error, panicky dems went all in with their closer and man… watching solely the media coverage of the last few days would have lead someone to think that the race was between Barry and Donald. If only….

As every US election from county sheriff to President, this one is going to come down to voter turnout.

So, whoever of the two candidates can motivate people to get their asses off their couches and into their electric plus-sized scooters will win the election.

Will it be Trump or will it be the fear of a Trump presidency that will move voters to the polls? Hillary sure won’t.

The best possible outcome at this point would be a win for Clinton followed by a surprising challenge from the left in the 2020 primaries that would cause her not to pursue a second term. Not happening though.

8 years of Clinton will, in the long run, doom the world economy.

Trump’s victory speech on Tuesday night will doom the world economy in a matter of minutes.

By the time of his inauguration America could be a wasteland.

Or maybe he’ll just save western civilization. We’ll see.