I tend to agree with this — as a woman who is 47 and on her 3rd long term relationship — with many…

Thank you for sharing this. I have thought before that if my husband wanted me less steadily, I would want him more — at least, I would get to have the experience of wanting him sometimes. But if we let sex go long enough for me to miss it, he would be so angry and resentful and downright depressed that I probably wouldn’t want him anyway — and we wouldn’t have much of a marriage left, either. (To be clear, I’m envisioning an interval of celibacy lasting two weeks to a month, not some ocean of time that no reasonable human could accept.) This is horrifically unfair to him, of course. If he were more unavailable to me — more subject to passion for his work or for his creative muse or for other women — I would probably be too busy resenting him for leaving me unsupported in the burdens of parenting and daily life to want him much anyway. We require too many conflicting things of our marriages. When there are kids and bills and general upkeep, the dependability of having is so important we can’t prioritize the wanting. But without the wanting, it’s hard to enjoy the having.

It sounds as if you might have gotten the balance about right this time — enough having to gratify, enough wanting to keep you grateful. I have a theory that the requirements of desire are best met when women do more of the wanting and men get to experience more of the being wanted. So I have high hopes for your current relationship and I wish you the very best.