I had quite a few similar “chess” situations in my life, and yes with my dad too, same shit. Chess, Tennis, Basketball. My entire school life was hell where I was bullied daily and the rest of the time I was replaying my “chess” moments over and over.
At some point I started reading spirituality and (pop)psychology/philosophy/”thinker” stuff and found quite explicitly written that competition and comparison are insane. All of it. It’s fundamentally stupid.
I was born male and I guess my way of throwing away the toxic masculinity/competitive culture was becoming a woman. That solved it for me ☺I got a therapist (psychologist) as part of transition and he helped me with everything to a point I don’t even discuss gender most sessions. We all have stupid ideas that make us miserable. The depression I had was software caused, I had some really weird ideas in my head, most gone now.
I recommend everything Umair Haque wrote in the last few months here on Medium. It’s great stuff.