My Millennial Midlife Crisis: Navigating the Road to Rediscovery
Growing up with a vivid imagination, I envisioned myself in various life scenarios, but never in a dramatic, supernova-like implosion of my life. My idea of a midlife crisis involved Corvettes, divorces, and 22-year-olds at pool parties — hardly a blueprint but the closest I had to one. Little did I know, these meltdowns aren’t about impulsively buying red sports cars or taking up extreme sports. Instead, they serve as a VIP ticket to a rollercoaster ride of self-reflection and transformation. These crises typically strike between ages 40 and 60 — just when you think it’s safe to settle into your routine, life throws you a curveball. I often joke about my chronic tardiness; in fact, the only time I was early for anything was at my birth. I was so eager to start living that this anxiety has lingered as my constant companion for forty years. Now, I can add one more event to my list of punctual arrivals: my very own midlife crisis.
The Triggers: Britney Spears, A British Playwright & a Nashville Nightmare
At eighteen, Ferrell was both ambitious and profound. If you had asked me during my freshman year at the University of Notre Dame about my plans for the next twenty years, I would have confidently outlined them: study political science and economics, attend law school at Stanford or Columbia, join a top-tier law firm in New York or DC, pursue a political career as a U.S. Representative or County Judge back in Texas, ascend to the U.S. Senate, and eventually aim for the presidency as the first Black President of the United States. But what derailed this detailed blueprint? Britney Spears’ release of “I’m A Slave 4 U,” the lead single from her self-titled third album.
This breathy, rhythmic R&B/hip-hop infused dance-pop song marked Spears’s transformation into an adult artist. And in the weeks after 9/11 the newly minted adults roaming the streets from house party to rally in the alley needed something to mindlessly, drunkenly writhe to on a table. And Britney gave us an iconic anthem. That aptly titled song redefined me as the life of the party — known for dancing on tables, creative binge drinking, and show-stopping performances. Thus, the meticulous Ferrell Doctrine was replaced by the spontaneous Feral Doctrine. To this day, like Ms. Spears, I can still hit every step of that iconic dance break whenever the song plays.
On my second day of classes as a freshman, I was cast in Notre Dame’s first main stage production of the year — a feat no incoming freshman had achieved since the early ’90s. During auditions and callbacks, I made the director, a visiting professor and Broadway stage actress, laugh out loud with my comedic timing, which she described as “refreshing and inventive for someone so young.” I landed a starring role in Alan Ayckbourn’s play, “How The Other Half Loves,” a witty two-act farce exploring the intersections of sex and class in modern society. This play not only confirmed Ayckbourn’s reputation as a theatrical tastemaker but also cemented my decision to major in Theater.
However, this decision did not solidify my credibility with my parents, who assumed it was just a phase. Fueled by foolish optimism and Mad Dog 20/20 — an intoxicating mix — I was convinced that my “refreshing and inventive” voice would revolutionize stagecraft, much like Ayckbourn’s. If only I had heeded the subtle warning in my gut, urging me to emulate the enduring impacts of figures like Britney Spears and Alan Ayckbourn. As the saying goes, “the only folks who don’t lie are babes and drunkards.” Indeed, the passions and obsessions of our youth often turn out to be the gifts we are meant to share with the world. Instead of sharing my talents with world, I chose to serve the world as cog in the machine of corporate America.
A midlife crisis often stems from a stark realization of one’s mortality, combined with reflections on personal achievements, unmet goals, and the fading of youth. Imagine your younger self giving you a wakeup call, questioning, “Is this really how we end up? Why are we living in, *checks notes*, DENVER, COLORADO?” Just as you’re about to dismiss these concerns with a retort about not caring what a “mentally unstable teenager” thinks, you pause. You remember the doctor’s warning about your blood pressure, your upcoming therapist appointment, and your recent meltdown over turning forty in Denver — which led you to seek an escape to Nashville, Tennessee.
A meltdown can be triggered by what feels like one of life’s glaring billboards — realizing your dream job has become a nightmare, your coworkers are inept, and the thought of enduring the monotony of this life for another fucking forty years is unbearable. The implications of thoughts like these make it harder to get out of bed for a life you once dreamt about while awake. This stark realization that you haven’t achieved everything you once fervently believed in leads to a numbing disillusionment and a profound sadness. Suddenly, you feel compelled to shake things up. You’re struck by the gut-wrenching idea that perhaps the Feral Doctrine wasn’t such a bad idea; maybe that teenager wasn’t mentally ill after all. Perhaps, just maybe, it’s time to rediscover what truly ignites your passion. It’s time to redefine what motivates and inspires you.
A Psychological Circus
Psychologically, a midlife crisis can oscillate wildly between feeling sorry for oneself one day and planning an exhilarating adventure the next. For me, it meant splurging on $700 cashmere hoodies in multiple colors or contemplating a serene retreat to Jackson Hole, Wyoming with your seasoned jet-set friends, and chemical cocktails to mute the slow drumming of a the banal. For me, most days in Denver, were marred by anxiety, depressive moods, low self-esteem, and severe bouts of imposter syndrome. The constant swings between mania and depression were somewhat moderated by my attempts to reclaim a sense of control over my life.
Ultimately, my most impulsive decision — to take a new job with the same title and pay in a new city — proved disastrous. In the throes of mania, I convinced myself this move was a step toward new beginnings and professional fulfillment. However, instead of the triumph I had envisioned, I was met with a swift and crushing downfall that seemed almost predestined. Nashville, simply became collateral damage. In an effort to combat the numbness or perhaps to find deeper meaning, I inadvertently fueled my own emotional burnout.
Burnout: Equal Parts Disillusionment and Nihilism, Lightly Toasted
Burnout can be both a precursor to and a feature of a midlife crisis. It typically results from prolonged stress in the workplace or at home, leading to emotional, mental, and physical exhaustion. Individuals experiencing burnout often report feeling drained, unable to cope, and detached from their daily activities. In the context of midlife, burnout might accelerate feelings of dissatisfaction and the questioning of life choices, amplifying the crisis experience. This is when philosophical yearnings, such as disillusionment and nihilism, often come into play.
Feelings of disillusionment can come to the forefront, sometimes spiraling into nihilistic thoughts. This disillusionment may stem from the realization that life’s expectations are not always met and that achievements may not provide the fulfillment they once promised. For some, this might challenge the very values and beliefs they have held dear, leading to a sense of purposelessness and emptiness. In my case, hard drugs and lots of booze helped fill the void left by an unfulfilling work life, uncharacteristic loneliness, and an unhealthy pang of nostalgia that had deeply excavated into my soul.
Nihilism in midlife can manifest as a belief that life has no inherent meaning, which can provoke a profound reevaluation of personal, professional, and social commitments. I remember my epiphany as my 40th birthday rapidly approached, finding myself more disillusioned and delusional than ever. For weeks on end, I would wash, rinse, and repeat: going to work, going on dates with hapless men, going home, and getting blitzed out of my mind, asking myself, “Is this all there is to life for the next ten to forty years? Is it even worth it?” As someone who has always subscribed to the Camus school of Absurdism — embracing the absurd and continuing to search for personal meaning and happiness despite the lack of inherent purpose — I never imagined myself succumbing to despair and becoming a full-blown nihilist.
Recognizing burnout is crucial for effectively navigating a midlife crisis. It creeps up after years of the daily grind, the altar to which our capitalist overlords sacrifice us as bounty to their deity, the fiat god. Once we acknowledge what is truly happening, we can begin to address the situation. This might involve setting healthier work-life boundaries, seeking professional counseling, and prioritizing self-care practices. By managing burnout, individuals can restore their energy levels and clarity, enabling them to approach other aspects of their midlife transition with greater resilience and optimism.
The Silver Lining:
But it’s not all existential dread and impulsive 3 a.m. Amazon Prime and Nordstrom Rack purchases. Despite its challenges, a midlife crisis also presents substantial opportunities for personal growth and rediscovery. This tumultuous time is perfect for dusting off old passions or discovering new ones, investing in personal health, and reconnecting with loved ones. In other words, it’s the time to sit and chat with your teenage self. We’re all familiar with the idea of answering the questions from our 18-year-old selves: Do we end up marrying our high school crush? (Nope, we’re gay.) Do we ever make it out of the town we hate so much? (Yes, but then it got cool and we boomeranged back.) Do we become a rock star playing to sold-out crowds night after night? (Nah, but we can manage operations efficiently, like a kid from the bayou.)
Life has a way of humbling us all. It can also be a time for developing new aspects of the self, including spirituality, creativity, and intellectual pursuits. With appropriate support and introspection, individuals can turn a midlife crisis into a rewarding phase of self-discovery and renewal. Would I say that I have sealed shut the hole blown into my soul from years of living inauthentically? I haven’t even begun to address that part of myself yet. Writing and sharing this piece of my life story, acknowledging that I am not well — though I will be — is as great a place to start as any. This is exactly what 18-year-old Ferrell would recommend as a way to hold himself and 40-year-old Ferrell accountable for creating a life worth living.
It’s about reinventing oneself — whether that means taking up improv classes, finally pursuing that master’s degree, or simply reconnecting with old pals over weekly brunches. This crisis could be the chance to realign life’s compass.
Conclusion:
It is essential to recognize feelings of discontent and uncertainty as signals for reflection rather than impulsive change. Seeking support from therapists, counselors, or peer groups can provide the necessary tools to manage this transition. By embracing this phase as an opportunity for self-reflection and growth, individuals can forge a fulfilling and meaningful chapter of their lives.
Let go of the past. Time to move on. You can learn from your past and move forward, or you can be held back by it. This is true in every aspect of life, be it your relationships, career, or health. When an attachment to your personal history blocks you from progress and joy, it’s time to release the past and go forth boldly in an exciting new direction. The beauty of youth is that we are unbound by the restraints of others in our own creativity. Search yourself and find that renewed spirit.
Do I know how I am going to fare on the other side of this? I haven’t the slightest clue — no one does. That is the joy of life. But I do know that I intend to navigate through the highs and lows of this rocky sea with a dash of humor and a pinch of perspective. Hopefully, I will transform it from a dreaded phase to an exhilarating chapter of life. Join me, strap in, embrace the chaos, and we might just find a happier, more fulfilled version of ourselves on the other side.
