Night Terrors

This is an account of how a panic attack feels to me as it is happening. Journalling is one method I use to come down from an attack.

All I can tell you is I was sound asleep. Then the next thing I know is I’m wide awake, cold and afraid. My head is confused, multiple sensations spinning through it. My abdomen is tight my chest confused, heart pumping, breathing normal. My ears ache, eyes watery, feels like twenty things happening at the same time. All cylinders are firing.

You’d think by now I’d be used to this. But it seems these things have a way of morphing into other things. The attacks can change, when I get use to one way, it changes to another line of attack. Like it has a mind of it’s own, changing tactics. Like my own mind is fighting against itself. I often question if I’m going into a manic state, because my mind races and creates at such a frantic pace. Then it shuts down in complete surrender.

My best line of defense is to quite my mind. I know all the tricks the breathing, the accepting, and the letting go of the thoughts. Still when wave after wave crash against the shore. You forget your training you panic and you just fear the next wave. You crawl back into a very primal part of yourself. You want to run but your cornered, trapped.

That’s pretty much how it feels and I should know because it’s been going on for the last several minutes. Right now the feelings and the emotions are reseeding. The waves are calming down. And all I’m left with is the feeling of being tried and exhausted. Kinda like after a battle you didn’t know you were going into. It sneeks up on you for no reason or maybe there is a reason? Maybe somewhere deep this is my mind’s way of dealing with things. Oh but what a cursed way of dealing.