The 6 Ways to Prepare For Finals


You have barely sobered up from spring break and finals are already on the horizon. Stop snap-chatting disappointing shots of your genitals to the opposite sex and hit the library. Learning to cram is a course in itself.

Here are 6 steps to help you out:

Find The Book: You’re not a jerk, so you know you bought the book at the beginning of the semester. You recall seeing the book in your bag as you walked out the bookstore. You remember there was book shaped object in your room at one point. Before you go ordering a new one rush delivered from Amazon, check under pizza boxes, in your ex’s trunk, or that square flat thing being used as a bong podium.

Focus: Find a quiet place where you can concentrate. Resist the urge to get up and walk down the hall and notice Todd is all happy and everyone is high fiving him. Don’t get mad when you learn Todd got an internship. Don’t punch holes in the wall when you learn it’s a PAID internship. Don’t combat security when they come to sedate you. Don’t wake up in a cell facing assault charges brought on by Todd’s family. Just stay in your quiet place.

Use A Mnemonic Device: Mnemonic devices are fun and help you remember just like the movie Johnny Mnemonic which was fun and everyone remembers!

Create an acronym from the material and just remember the acronym. Example — Biology: Cell Wall; Cytoplasm; Cell Membrane; Flagella; Ribosomes; Plasmids; Nucleoid Region; Bacterial Reproduction; Binary Fission; Bacterial Recombination. Easy: CWCCMFRPNRBFBR. You’re on your way!

Cut off your Social Life: Everyone on the quad throwing around the B? Too bad, time to cram some economics. Everyone is going for drinks at the college hang? Too bad, you have to learn French. Everyone’s flipping cars and burning the opposing teams jerseys after a minor sporting event win? Go get your blowtorch.

Talk to someone who took the class previously: Pick their brain. Take notes. Ask them if they saved the tests. When they say no, gently accuse them of lying. When they get defensive and leave, follow them home. Sneak into their place and rummage through their garbage. When they find you and threaten to call the cops remind them of your pressing assault charges. Now run.

Get To The Class: Where is the class? Just because you didn’t go all year you’re expected to know now? And you can’t use your phone? What’s a pencil? Calm your nerves. Get there early. Find a good spot next to someone with glasses. Chat them up. Ask them if they mind if you glance. Slip them a $5. Prepare to cheat but be cool, because if you fail you can just drop the class and take it next semester.