Muddy

So, 6 months later, I’m feeling it, and it actually aches a bit. I couldn’t have predicted I’d feel this way for, of all the guys, Bert. But, of course, PS has bursts of wiseness that can predict such things.

(January 25, 2015)

PS: I don’t think you were really that interested in Poo, […] maaaaybe Bert, but I think that was also colored by previous experiences with Toothbrush and Old Guy, which were in turn colored by your experiences with X and getting over him. you can see where I’m going with this…why a cooling off period seems like a good idea…

Today is March 19, 2015. Poo was the last guy I hung out with, Bert prior to that (literally melding from one to the other), before that was Pepe & Old Guy (apparently, now that I’ve looked through my records, they coincided with one another, memory does funny things), and before them, Toothbrush. And of course, X, before all of them. One coloring the next — the Felicia-boy experiences were definitely muddying one another. When I started out writing these entries, I was hoping to stitch them together in five chapters — one for each of the major guys I spent time with this past year:

Chapter 1: Toothbrush
Chapter 2: Old Guy
Chapter 3: Pepe le Pew
Chapter 4: Bert
Chapter 5: The Poo

Separating water from dirt when everything is all muddy, not easy. And separating each of these guys into their very own chapters, definitely not easy. I was ready to continue my writing on Toothbrush since there was so much more to elaborate on him. I think readers were only just starting to get to know him and why he met this bizarro, temporary resume for a guy that I wanted. So, I struggled with if I should start writing this post about Bert, skipping ahead past so many of the others. But perhaps, the premise of the blog/book will change with this change of heart.

I hate to admit it, PS is right. He is a lot of the time, I just don’t admit it to him right away since he’s already got a bit of an inflated ego (please don’t smack me, PS). First, there was quantifiable evidence that Bert meant the most to me — the gchat transcripts were over 30% longer than any of the other guys. And now that it’s mid-March, nearing the end of my self imposed no-boy goal, I’ve started to feel the healing I should have felt back in early Autumn if I hadn’t rushed into talking to The Poo.

This is the first time I’ve had an odd delayed reaction to getting over a guy. It only goes to show that each guy did color the next, or prevent any real chance of the next guy being the right guy. In retrospect, the boy-waters were quite muddy, more obviously now as I’m no longer focusing on the guy of the moment and refocusing my energies on friendships, writing, climbing, and music. Starting to divert my mental energies to The Poo literally the day that things ended with Bert distracted me from actually feeling the affects of not being able to stay with Bert.

I’m obviously not crying over the dude. The last time we hung out as more than just friends was back on September 27, 2014. That’s a long time ago for a guy I was never exclusively dating. But, there are definitely emotions here that cannot be ignored.

I’m not a morning person, so I have a morning playlist on spotify that I listen to while I’m in the shower. It helps me to not wash my hair twice (if I’m on the third song, it means I’ve already washed it). While I was hanging out with Bert, “Shower” by Becky G was on the morning queue. And I would literally sing and dance because I was that happy. Such a fitting song for how I felt at the time:

I don’t know, it’s just something about ya
Got me feeling like I can’t be without ya
Anytime someone mention your name
I be feeling as if I’m around ya
Ain’t no words to describe you baby
All I know is that you take me high
Can you tell that you drive me crazy?
Cause I can’t get you out my mind

Before my morning coffee, I was dancing. That’s a big deal for me. My staff at work won’t even ask me innocuous questions before I’ve completed half of my first cup.

I’m a slow to warm personality, I may be fairly good at helping others feel warm and fuzzy, but I don’t always feel comfortable with others the way I know how to make others comfortable (part of the profession I’m in perhaps). But, I felt at ease with Bert. I told him about my past with no qualms. I felt like I could introduce him to my friends and that they’d love him (not easy, they’re discerning and protective). He knew exactly how to push me on the climbing walls without my getting annoyed. There was this warmth about him that I still haven’t felt with any guy I have ever dated, including X. That warmth somehow made me kinder, and I think, a better, happier person. Bert somehow felt familiar, like he was this wonderful combination of all the great men in my life. He is, by far, one of the nicest, most outgoing, caring, and polite guys I have ever met.

It took me about half a year to remember all of this.

I do remember that there was that sharp pain of a break. I felt that with Toothbrush and The Poo, too. With those two, I knew it would never work long term due to personality differences. But, all the hopes that I (perhaps prematurely) put into Bert, I probably needed more healing than I gave myself. Hopping from boy to boy muddied my ability to read my own feelings and decide how to properly heal. So, here I am, feeling that undeniable ache, delayed.

PS was right, I was “maaaaybe” mostly only interested or invested in Bert over this crazy boy year. It’s only manifested itself (still muddily, but more clearly) during this boy fast.